Open letters to people who suck at the grocery store!

To the assfuck that parks right next to my car, even when I park really far away in the parking lot and have to hoof it 200 yards to get into my destination...fuck you. Seriously, I go out of my way to park in an isolated spot in the parking lot to avoid having to squeeze my kid into the side door, and I do not want you denting my new car because of your lack of parking skills and frontal lobe activity. Yet some douchebag always for some reason unknown to me, decides to park RIGHT next to my car. WHY?? Do you not see that I parked way the fuck out in BFE to avoid exactly that? Did you not notice that there was not another car around me for at least 6 spaces in any direction? Do you get some sick thrill from annoying perfect strangers? Do you WANT me to key your car? Are you trying to see if you can my my head explode? When you come out to your crater sized door ding, please know that you fucking earned every bit of it you inconsiderate fuck nugget!

The lady in the store with the kid that is howling, blowing a whistle, making annoying woot woot noises at the top of their lungs, screaming temper tantrums, running up and down the aisles and just downright being spastic, letting the little urchins stand or play directly in the middle of the shopping aisle while you ignore them to pick out a case of ho ho's, you know who you are....make it stop...or I will! Seriously get ahold of your bastard little offspring and learn how to control them, or leave their little country asses with the baby daddy. If I wanted to listen to that nonsense, I would have stayed at home with my own kids. Seriously the only time a kid should be screaming in the store is when you just slapped the shit out of them for being obnoxious in the first place...and at which time you should be making your way to the door to go lock them in the car.

To the giagantic fat people, with the giagantic fat kids who have carts full of twinkies, coke, fried chicken, bacon, and potato chips with not a single piece of fruit or vegetable to be seen. You are the worst of everyone...you are killing your children, making me want to kill you. I bet you smoke ciggarettes in the car with the windows rolled up and your kids in the backseat don't you? If you want to be a fat nasty glutton couple that is fine, but you are raising some big nasty obnoxious kids too...I hate you! I would love to kill you, but heard disease is going to beat me to it. Buy a couple of apples, or some brocolli or something...Your kids are fat because YOU made them that way...shame on you.

Whew....that was theraputic...hope you enjoyed the rant as much as I enjoyed ranting. Have a lovely day, and if you go to the grocery store...think of me fondly.

How he lived this long I will never know.

The other night I go into my bathroom and begin my nightly ritual of getting ready for bed, as usual. I take a tinkle, put my hair up, apply some face lotion, wash my hands, grab my toothbrush an begin to brush my teeth. Gradually I begin to notice that something is amiss, I smell something that is out of place...not the normal minty freshness of my toothpaste but something quite a bit more foul. With a perplexed look on my face, I remove my toothbrush from my mouth, and run through the olfactory files in my brain trying to place the funk. When it occurs to me that what I am smelling is Urine. Yeah, you got that, just about the last thing you want to smell while you are brushing your teeth.

So I start to investigate, sniffing around the bathroom, is it on the floor...hmm, no not the floor, the sink maybe, uh uh...not the sink, but getting warmer. I peer into the little hole in my toothbrush holder and huh, it is filled with liquid...that is odd. So I grab it up and take a big whiff, got my nose right down into one of those little holes and HOLY SHIT, that little fucker peed in my toothbrush holder!!

Blech, so I spit out the toothpaste and proceed to disinfect my mouth, cuz OMG I am going to kill him. At this point the thought of going up and shakin his little butt awake to dump toothbrush holder pee on his head is the only thing that makes any sense at all. But it is almost midnight and the urge to go to bed in peace suddenly overwhelms the need for satisfaction...so I woke up my husband instead. He said "Gross" and rolled over and went back to sleep.

WHAT is wrong with that child? WHY on earth would he pee in the toothbrush holder?? Oh, the best part is that his toothbrushes were also in there, and they were brush down in the piss!! My toothbrush goes handle down, so I basically got pee on my hand (2 kids, that has totally happened a million times) but his have goofy cars on the handle so they have to be put in there with the brush facing down....so now I feel a little better, and a little worse at the same time. My kid is so dumb that he peed in the toothbrush holder that he keeps his own toothbrush in...and basically just brushed his teeth with his own urine....fucking awesome!

Needless to say I pitched his toothbrush, and mine..and soaked the holder in bleach overnight...next day I asked him why he peed in there, he said that it was contact lens solution...uh nice try dude...but mama aint no fool. He eventually confessed, we had a long talk, I made sure to let him know that he brushed his teeth with his own pee, and then grounded him.

But I swear there is something wrong with that boy.

Kwame Go Home!!

I do not know how this happened but disgraced former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is moving right down the street from us to Southlake...WTF? We got out of Michigan just as he was screwing up Detroit, and now he comes down here? Lovely.

Read about it here.

That guy is a fucken douchebag. But I will tell you one thing, Strawberry the stripper died BEFORE the Detroiters elected him into his second term...Everyone voter north of 8 mile stood in shock when the news announced his victory for the second time. Of course he was doing blow, having wild parties, and doing his assistant..the voters basically told him it was ok!

If you are going to elect an ignorant, gang bangin, coked out, gangster to run your city, then I guess you get what you had coming to you when he embezzles money, and kills a hooker in the mayors mansion...right?

You want some cream in that coffee?

Apparently my hiatus has not gone unnoticed. Having a new baby leaves little time for the old blog. I have a few minutes right now so here are a few things that have been polluting my brain recently.

Paul Blart: Mall cop is the number one movie in America...wow..really? Is it too much to ask for an intelligent comedy? I am so tired of the slapstick, painfully embarrassing, fall down not funny, mind numbingly obvious crap that passes for a decent movie these days. Blah.

We are waiting to get our tax return check this week..then joining a gym...my ass is going to need a zoning permit soon if I do not get moving. Besides that I REFUSE to purchase bigger bras again...I swear I will just stop wearing them altogether. Walking around knocking people unconscious left and right...well that part might actually be fun...

Speaking of which, my friend just told me about a coffee house in Seattle that now has topless baristas...I would tear that place UP! I could see it now, dragging my jugs across the counter, "so you want a latte or what"? That place could be dangerous, I am all about the kinky stuff, but I am not sure I want to experience a coffee burn on the old nips....my luck I would dunk a boob into someones coffee at least once a day....I guess he did say he wanted cream.

Blogrolling blogschmolling!

What the fuck is wrong with blogrolling? That shit has been fucked for months, I want to update my blogroll and it is broken! I have no idea how what other sites offer that shit, but someone hook me up. I really am too busy/lazy to write the code myself, or really even to google a new one. Or to even write a respectable blog post...so blah.

Other than that, whats up with you fuckers?