Only 45%.......Fuck!

Out of Gas

Have you ever had the feeling that you had to fart, so you kinda hold your breath to push it out, but it really does not want to come out, and by the time you finally get that little bugger to go, your blue in the face and kinda light headed??


Yeah...me neither.

What the f*ck??

OMG, the downstairs furnace stopped working this morning, and of course it is about 34 degrees outside...therefore it is about 35 inside the house. I am fucken freezing. I went up into the attic to see if I could see any obvious problem...um, no. I am not a moron by any means, I checked the fuse box, the thermostat, and I physically eyeballed the furnaces, but uh, all I could ascertain was that they were both physically there, and one was making noise, while the other was not. I even thought I would maybe gain more insight into the problem by removing the furnace cover o the offending unit...um, yeah, lots of wires and shit...no idea what any of them do. I guess we can go ahead and move furnace repair into the "No" column of possible vocations.

Now my dad is up there tinkering with it...I am really scared. Wondering if I should take the boy and go hang out in the car for a bit. Ya know, just in case a massive fireball comes shooting out of the attic??

Eh, screw it, I am putting on a parka, and going to eat some cereal. I guess I will take my chances with the raging inferno.... at least I will be warm then right?


This post is lame....sorry...I need booze to kill boring, normal, sensible, braincells, and let the sarcasm and narcissism shine through.


ETA. Just an update, I took everyone to the airport today....woot. My house is so quiet!! (And amazingly not blown up, even though it is about 62 degrees in here. Warranty people said that they will send someone out in the next 24 hours...awesome). The boy even went to grandma's house. I am in my jammies, laying in bed with about 5 blankets and 11 pillows, getting ready to take the longest nap in history....I might just sleep until tomorrow. In fact I might just keep my happy ass in bed for the rest of the week!! Being pregnant rules....well except I feel like I have been beaten repeatedly with bowling balls to the chest, but as long as I get to lay in bed all day, Its a trade off I am content with.

My next dilema, I want cake....but its all the way in the kitchen. Wouldn't it be cool if I could train the dog to get me cake?

hiatus

Sorry about the long hiatus, but I have family in from out of town right now. Once I get my life, and my house back in order I should be back in action with lots of new material. To keep you entertained here are a few fun pics I have come across in my recent travels...

This first one I stole borrowed from Moog over at Mental Poo.

Oh and here is a lovely picture of me and "Jeb". Don't Hate.


Have a nice week.


*someone come and fucken shoot me.

New Digs.

I have been playing around with my layout, looking for something fun....this one is ok, for now.


I am fucken bored...I really do not know what to do with my time when there is no smoking, drinking, hangovers, etc. I have managed to fill a good portion of it with eating...of course. But really, I have got to get a life or something, this weird sensation of feeling normal is totally freaking me out. Waking up in the morning, not wondering what happened last night, or who's cat took a shit in my mouth?? Who lives like this?

**********************

My husband is sick again, which is always drama. Men are such giant pussies when they have a little cold....I am so compassionate, last night I told him to "Suck It up" and "Quit-yer Bitchin". Aren't I the best wife in the world? We are quite pathetic together right now, he looked over and said:
"I really wanna have sex with you, but I am broken".
"that is ok, because I am pretty sure if you touch my boob it will fall off".
"Who said I need to touch your boob to have sex with you"?

*Long ass Pause*

"Bitch Please"

"it sounded good"



"No not really, go to sleep stupid".


About 2 minutes later he was snoring. I never met anyone in my life that can fall asleep that fast. Mother fucker can pass out cold in mid sentence...he falls asleep on the couch all the time watching tv. Now mind you, my husband is not old, in fact he just turned 30. It really does not bode well for the future that at 30, he can fall asleep faster and more randomly than a narcoleptic 90 year old. Tell you what, the first time that rat bastard falls asleep during sex it is OVER!

Odd things about me.

Lately I have been realizing that I am kind of a kook...I have some very strange habits, hobbies, and phobias etc. During a recent conversation with my friend CAT it occurred to me, well when she told me, that I have alot of bizzare idiosyncrasies.

As many already know I am totally wigged out by clowns. Seriously, that shit freaks me out. John Wayne Gacy, that fucker used to dress up like a clown to get young boys back to his sick fuck layer, and do unspeakable things to them. There is just something inherently wrong with a grown man that likes to dress in make up and funky clothes to entertain children.. That takes a really special kind of wacko person...and those muther fuckers freak me out!

Also, apparently I am petrified of all living things that take flight...yes that means... birds, butterflies, bugs, etc. Nothing wigs me out more than having some kind of flying, buzzing, thing around my head... I once went to the butterfly museum in Niagra Falls, long story short, this GIANT black butterfly with eyeballs on its wings, looked like a fucken bat on steroids, flew straight at my head. I ducked and screamed my fool head off, while folding down into the fetal position, much to the hilarity of the several small children in the immediate vicinity. Little fuckers. That was some scary shit. I told them all that the monster in their closet was real, and that their parents were getting a divorce, That shut those little bastards up........ The husband and I recently saw a commercial for a butterfly sanctuary that you actually bring into your house...fuck that....I would go in and be like "where. are. all. the. butterflies"?? Next thing I know the ambulance is there, and I am wearing a funny white coat, and people are whispering about psychotic breaks.

Now, I am certainly not the only person with Phobias of Clowns and flying things, but how bout this...the sound of a chicken clucking....can you beat that one? For some reason the sound of a chicken clucking, or a person mimicking that sound, sends shivers down my spine...I mean worse than the sound of nails on a chalkboard. DO NOT ask me where the fuck that shit comes from, perhaps I was accosted by some small farm birds when I was little and have since blocked it out. But I have to change the channel if it happens on tv, run in fear, or do the hands over ears la la la la la la thing whenever I am confronted with this evil sound. I will let you come to your own conclusions about that nonsense.

The sound of other people chewing their food, makes me want to hit them in the jaw with a 2x4...this is the most disgusting sound on earth. I love the food channel, and whenever any of the chefs goes to take a bite of their culinary creation, I have to mute the TV, or change the channel...seriously. I have broken up with men because the sound of them chewing their food made me want to jump out a window. I once had a friend that was the most disgusting pig I had ever met, chewed her food like a cow chewing cud, (I dunno what cud is, but isn't that how the expression goes) I had fantasies about punching her in the throat every time we dined together. My husband cannot eat near me, we have to eat dinner in front of the TV. I love him, and everything, but I might light him on fire during dinner some night.... Although, through all that, my 3 year old could chomp rocks all day long, and I would not even flinch. Go figure.


To be Continued. If the clowns don't eat me.

Snow In Texas

People down here in the great state of Texas are pretty freaked out by the appearance of this strange, white, cold, substance drifting out of the sky. Most of the rest of us know it as SNOW...but down here it is "Holy shit what is that devil white frozen shit fallin on my head"? They truly freak out, all the television stations interrupt the scheduled programming to tell you about it...the media gets everyone worked into a frenzy. The grocery stores are packed with people stocking up like it is y2k, and they are going to have to bed down for several months with no food or water. All the schools call the parents and send the kids home, half the businesses in the state close, all government offices shut down and send their employees home. There is no preparation whatsoever for any type of winter weather. I am not sure why though, last year we got snow and ice storms pretty much for 2 solid months. You would think they would be prepared in the event of a couple flurries.

So we got about 8 inches of snow where I live, but we were in the worst part of the storm...the weirdest thing about snow in Texas is that during the snow storm, I could hear thunder....it was totally weirding me out. We did get outside to play in it for a little while, that was nice...Morgan had a good old time, everyone on the street was out making snowmen. We got out and got some good pictures, I saw about 29 cars in ditches, and this one particularly dumb truck driver:

Yeah that is a ditch....seriously dumbass it is a snowstorm, the roads are total ice, why don't you try and do a 110 degree turn, next to a huge ditch, off of a road that has straight away parking for semi trucks?? If you are not sure if you can make it....prolly should not try.

I guess I can be cocky since I grew up in the Detroit area, and have been driving in snow my entire life, but it is not that complicated, slow down....that is pretty much it....I drive an explorer, with roll stability and traction control, and I was doing about 30-35 on the freeway, and morons are passing me like I am parked, in little compact cars and sedans...several I did later see in the ditch. People have no common sense. Hope ya freeze to death ya stupid fucken douche.

On another exciting note, I found out this weekend that I am finally pregnant, which is great. We have been trying for quite a while. Although I am concerned that this may seriously effect my blogging. I am usually a pretty sarcastic person, but the best blogs flow out when I am drunk, hungover, or pms'ing. All of which have obviously been put on hold for a while. Let's just hope that all the pregnancy hormones make me bitchy/homicidal enough to entertain.

I could really use a cigarette and some bourbon....Damn you Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and Low birth weight..why you gotta fuck it up for everyone???

Massacre!

I told the husband the other day that he better hope nothing happens to me this week....our house is covered in blood...I know....fucken gross right?

(I stole this from photobucket)

Ok, so that might be an exaggeration....Our dog is in heat.
(this one too)


Now clearly I am not the first person to have to deal with this situation, and I surely will not be the last...but DAMN! That is NASTY. Now most of my house is a beige ceramic tile floor, which makes clean up fairly easy. But of course almost every inch of the tile is coved in rugs, and where I do have carpet, the carpet is.... you guessed it, WHITE.

I have considered going out and getting her a doggy diaper...but ugh....I am not sure what is worse, cleaning the floors, or dealing with doggy maxi pads. I wonder if they make doggypons? Eww that is disturbing. I fully intend to get this dog fixed as soon as possible....I am not going thru this again. As if is not bad enough that she sheds her weight in dog hair twice a year...(and by her weight I mean all 95lbs). Here is a picture of her from last summer...
She is about double that size now, but I guess I do not have a recent picture of her...she gets all stupid and hyper whenever I break out the camera. Regardless, the moral of the story is that if anything happened to me he would be under serious suspicion...if the cops came in here with one of those black lights and the luminol....oooh. Of course CSI would eventually come in here and prove it was not my blood, but not before he got himself a new boyfriend named billy bob in jail.

You think I watch too much tv?

Anyway, we had a wild ass weekend...Friday night we had a party here, that went till about 2am...lots of punch, and drunk people a go go. Then Saturday was our friends birthday party, and wow, that was another late ass night. I am too damn old to be partying until 4am...that is just all there is to that. I am still kinda hungover 4 days later.

All drinking and no sleep makes Jam feel homicidal.

I want to blog

I really wanted to blog today, but I have not prepared any material...and I am feeling rather uninspired. So I just wanted to tell you that I LOVE....get that LOVE Flaming Hot Cheetoes!! Turns out they make them Baked now....This is a mighty awesome turn of events, should have seen me doing the happy dance in the chip aisle the other day!

I could eat a whole bag of those fucken things.

Even tho they make me poo fiery orange, and well Flaming Hot for like 2 days afterward.

Totally worth it!

Need I say more?

100%ALCOHOLIC