The Doggy Did It

Rubbing me the wrong way.

2010-11-24T13:34:00.002-06:00

Damn Salvation Army has their minions stationed outside the entrance and exit of every freaking store in town. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with them collecting for charity, and by all means have someone standing there, ringing a bell, singing a Christmas carol, chatting with people who stop to drop a dollar or a penny in their little bucket. These things are all fine, and I am more than happy to drop my spare change when I have a free hand.

The problem is not that they are there, it is the behavior of the new squad of SA boot camp graduates that perturbs me. These bastards are no longer a passive plea for your extra pennies, but an in your face, poke you in the eye, guilt tripping menace.

Gone are the days when they showed up about Dec. 1st, stood to the side, maybe sang a little, increased the holiday spirit with their presence...NO...Now the fuckers are there the second the witching hour of Halloween ends, they stand RIGHT in front of the door so you must dodge them in order to enter. The polite greetings, and casual, pleasant words to the people that do stop, have gone by the wayside. Our new class of SA boot camp graduates make sure to LOUDLY announce to each and every person who walks in or out the door without leaving their extra pennies, a guilt inspiring voice, "HAVE A NICE DAY"! "HAPPY HOLIDAYS"! "Morning Ma'am", "Afternoon Ma'am"... shaking that damn bell in my face, with their poignant stares, pathetic, accusing looks, puppy dog eyes etc.

What are they teaching these people? I mean since when do you have to punch people in the face? It makes me NOT want to put money in their little red buckets, that used to actually be buckets, where now they are canisters with a tiny little slit in the lid, and a giant padlock on the outside. I actually tried to hand a guy a buck the other day and he recoiled as if I had offered him a severed appendage. They are not allowed to touch the money...what kind of people are they recruiting that are not trustworthy enough to touch the cash? He can stand out there and rattle people like a cracked up carnie, but the temptation of holding one dollar in his hand might send him over the edge into a life of crime.

Apparently they have also started choosing the most pathetic looking folks possible to donate their time to harassing innocent shoppers, and they get more decrepit looking the closer we get to Christmas. I swear to god the lady sitting outside the doors to Wal-mart today was in a wheelchair, missing a leg, several teeth, and had a lazy eye. Her pant leg was rolled up over her thigh to reveal the stump that remains. The guilt I felt about dropping money in there almost overwhelmed me...almost. I don't know how they are going to top that, Christmas eve ought to be interesting, I hear they are saving the lepers and Ebola victims for that special occasion.

So cheers to you Salvation Army, clearly your desperation for donations has overwhelmed your sense of holiday spirit, and gracious charity...shame.

Suck on that Facebook!

2010-08-27T18:34:00.004-05:00

I finally did it. I finally gave old Facebook the heave ho. Fuck that was liberating. Why I have spent the last 2 years of my life obsessed with reading about every single, annoying, fucking thing that every one of my "friends" thinks of, or does in their lives is absolutely beyond me.

"Took a shit today....hmmm, I don't remember eating any corn". Really?

"That is IT". What? What is "IT", what the fuck are you talking about you vague mother fucker?

"mmmm coffee". *yawn*

"I hate laundry". Really?? How the fuck can you hate laundry, it is like an amusement park for the rest of us....an amusement park with shit streaks.

"Wow, this weather is (insert mind numbingly dull ass weather report here) today". You know what stupid people, who cannot think of anything interesting, talk about? Yeah...

I do not care what you are watching on TV, what your annoying ass, overachieving kid did at school today, the color of your vaginal discharge, how many cups of coffee you had today, what the doctor said about that weird growth, or anything else your boring ass has to say. Maybe if there were more than a handful of funny, or interesting people in my 400 friends I might have stuck around...but damn I know some horrifically, dull, fucking people.

The spelling...oh lord please help me...people PLEASE, before you start ranting to the world about your tragically BORING existence, you MUST learn to spell. Take a basic fucking 3rd grade English class. If I had to bite my tongue one more time because someone said "I have been threw so much shit today". Or "The house is so quite with all the kids gone". How bout "Wow, your such an idiot"? Or "I wanna come over their and beat you to death". You might as well just shove a rusty spoon in my eye....

Oh, and then seriously, the endless advertisements, invitations to view your bullshit, the mind numbing games...who the fuck gives a rats ass about your farm, your mafia, your vaginal warts...whatever people get a job, find a girlfriend/boyfriend/sheep...something. I just could not take it anymore. Every moron developer in the free world has decided to create some annoying widget, game, application, fan page, OMG, if you "LIKE" this, you will find out who framed Roger Rabbit. If you don't join this group, they are going to kill the whales, re-elect Obama, and start charging you one million dollars to use Facebook.

It occurred to me, I am actually handing every single one of these nut fucks the keys to my personal life...WHY? Why am I putting up with all this annoyance? When essentially my only goal is to amuse people with my constant steam of obscenities, and whitty remarks, WHY am I spending so much time wading through this cesspool of human (brain) waste? Especially considering that now, I have like extended family, bible thumping Aunts, kids teachers, pta moms...hell I can't even slip in a good ballsack comment, or a pussy joke...Well, I guess that is what brings me back to my faithful blog. Pretty sure nobody is ever going to read this, anyone who ever did before gave up waiting for me a long time ago. Fuck all 3 of you, your loss.

It seriously is a fucking addiction, like lip gloss, or flip flops (fuck off, you know you love flip flops). I swear to god, I have grabbed my phone 20 times today to check my Facebook, tried to click on the (now deleted) link on my bookmark bar no less than 100 times. It was like crack, or not even that quality, meth maybe. I have the dt's and I just cannot stop shaking, and puking. The palms of my hands itch...is that bad? Am I going to die?

Somebody post this on Facebook for me ok?

Open letters to people who suck at the grocery store!

2009-05-06T09:00:00.003-05:00

To the assfuck that parks right next to my car, even when I park really far away in the parking lot and have to hoof it 200 yards to get into my destination...fuck you. Seriously, I go out of my way to park in an isolated spot in the parking lot to avoid having to squeeze my kid into the side door, and I do not want you denting my new car because of your lack of parking skills and frontal lobe activity. Yet some douchebag always for some reason unknown to me, decides to park RIGHT next to my car. WHY?? Do you not see that I parked way the fuck out in BFE to avoid exactly that? Did you not notice that there was not another car around me for at least 6 spaces in any direction? Do you get some sick thrill from annoying perfect strangers? Do you WANT me to key your car? Are you trying to see if you can my my head explode? When you come out to your crater sized door ding, please know that you fucking earned every bit of it you inconsiderate fuck nugget!

The lady in the store with the kid that is howling, blowing a whistle, making annoying woot woot noises at the top of their lungs, screaming temper tantrums, running up and down the aisles and just downright being spastic, letting the little urchins stand or play directly in the middle of the shopping aisle while you ignore them to pick out a case of ho ho's, you know who you are....make it stop...or I will! Seriously get ahold of your bastard little offspring and learn how to control them, or leave their little country asses with the baby daddy. If I wanted to listen to that nonsense, I would have stayed at home with my own kids. Seriously the only time a kid should be screaming in the store is when you just slapped the shit out of them for being obnoxious in the first place...and at which time you should be making your way to the door to go lock them in the car.

To the giagantic fat people, with the giagantic fat kids who have carts full of twinkies, coke, fried chicken, bacon, and potato chips with not a single piece of fruit or vegetable to be seen. You are the worst of everyone...you are killing your children, making me want to kill you. I bet you smoke ciggarettes in the car with the windows rolled up and your kids in the backseat don't you? If you want to be a fat nasty glutton couple that is fine, but you are raising some big nasty obnoxious kids too...I hate you! I would love to kill you, but heard disease is going to beat me to it. Buy a couple of apples, or some brocolli or something...Your kids are fat because YOU made them that way...shame on you.

Whew....that was theraputic...hope you enjoyed the rant as much as I enjoyed ranting. Have a lovely day, and if you go to the grocery store...think of me fondly.

How he lived this long I will never know.

2009-04-30T12:47:00.003-05:00

The other night I go into my bathroom and begin my nightly ritual of getting ready for bed, as usual. I take a tinkle, put my hair up, apply some face lotion, wash my hands, grab my toothbrush an begin to brush my teeth. Gradually I begin to notice that something is amiss, I smell something that is out of place...not the normal minty freshness of my toothpaste but something quite a bit more foul. With a perplexed look on my face, I remove my toothbrush from my mouth, and run through the olfactory files in my brain trying to place the funk. When it occurs to me that what I am smelling is Urine. Yeah, you got that, just about the last thing you want to smell while you are brushing your teeth.

So I start to investigate, sniffing around the bathroom, is it on the floor...hmm, no not the floor, the sink maybe, uh uh...not the sink, but getting warmer. I peer into the little hole in my toothbrush holder and huh, it is filled with liquid...that is odd. So I grab it up and take a big whiff, got my nose right down into one of those little holes and HOLY SHIT, that little fucker peed in my toothbrush holder!!

Blech, so I spit out the toothpaste and proceed to disinfect my mouth, cuz OMG I am going to kill him. At this point the thought of going up and shakin his little butt awake to dump toothbrush holder pee on his head is the only thing that makes any sense at all. But it is almost midnight and the urge to go to bed in peace suddenly overwhelms the need for satisfaction...so I woke up my husband instead. He said "Gross" and rolled over and went back to sleep.

WHAT is wrong with that child? WHY on earth would he pee in the toothbrush holder?? Oh, the best part is that his toothbrushes were also in there, and they were brush down in the piss!! My toothbrush goes handle down, so I basically got pee on my hand (2 kids, that has totally happened a million times) but his have goofy cars on the handle so they have to be put in there with the brush facing down....so now I feel a little better, and a little worse at the same time. My kid is so dumb that he peed in the toothbrush holder that he keeps his own toothbrush in...and basically just brushed his teeth with his own urine....fucking awesome!

Needless to say I pitched his toothbrush, and mine..and soaked the holder in bleach overnight...next day I asked him why he peed in there, he said that it was contact lens solution...uh nice try dude...but mama aint no fool. He eventually confessed, we had a long talk, I made sure to let him know that he brushed his teeth with his own pee, and then grounded him.

But I swear there is something wrong with that boy.

Kwame Go Home!!

2009-02-04T15:51:00.002-06:00

I do not know how this happened but disgraced former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is moving right down the street from us to Southlake...WTF? We got out of Michigan just as he was screwing up Detroit, and now he comes down here? Lovely.

Read about it here.

That guy is a fucken douchebag. But I will tell you one thing, Strawberry the stripper died BEFORE the Detroiters elected him into his second term...Everyone voter north of 8 mile stood in shock when the news announced his victory for the second time. Of course he was doing blow, having wild parties, and doing his assistant..the voters basically told him it was ok!

If you are going to elect an ignorant, gang bangin, coked out, gangster to run your city, then I guess you get what you had coming to you when he embezzles money, and kills a hooker in the mayors mansion...right?

You want some cream in that coffee?

2009-02-02T10:43:00.003-06:00

Apparently my hiatus has not gone unnoticed. Having a new baby leaves little time for the old blog. I have a few minutes right now so here are a few things that have been polluting my brain recently.

Paul Blart: Mall cop is the number one movie in America...wow..really? Is it too much to ask for an intelligent comedy? I am so tired of the slapstick, painfully embarrassing, fall down not funny, mind numbingly obvious crap that passes for a decent movie these days. Blah.

We are waiting to get our tax return check this week..then joining a gym...my ass is going to need a zoning permit soon if I do not get moving. Besides that I REFUSE to purchase bigger bras again...I swear I will just stop wearing them altogether. Walking around knocking people unconscious left and right...well that part might actually be fun...

Speaking of which, my friend just told me about a coffee house in Seattle that now has topless baristas...I would tear that place UP! I could see it now, dragging my jugs across the counter, "so you want a latte or what"? That place could be dangerous, I am all about the kinky stuff, but I am not sure I want to experience a coffee burn on the old nips....my luck I would dunk a boob into someones coffee at least once a day....I guess he did say he wanted cream.

My phone takes good pics!!

2008-12-05T14:26:00.002-06:00

My pretty girl.

Sleeping Beauty

2008-12-03T16:06:00.002-06:00

Haidyn will be 4 weeks old on Friday. I am amazed at how fast this first month flew by. I have been really slacking off on the blog, but what a difference having 2 kids makes. Keeping up with the little one, and the annoying one at the same time is a lot of work. My 4 year old has decided that the arrival of the new baby is his opportunity to see if he can get mommy's head to explode. There are so many examples, but here are a few that stick out the most.

A couple weeks ago, while playing outside in the neighbors backyard, he decided to just drop trow and take a dump right there in the yard. I am still not even amused enough to try and make light of the situation...there is something wrong with that boy. First the peeing in the squirt gun, and now shitting in the neighbors yard...WHY?
Today at lunch, I ordered him a kids pizza off the childrens menu at Chili's....our food gets set down on the table, and the boy grabs the salt and dumps like half the bottle on top of his pizza...wtf...WHY? I made him eat it...I was a little concerned that his heart might explode from the sodium intake, but he made it. He even had the nerve to look over at me and say "Mommy this pizza is really salty"....blood started dripping out of my ears at that point, so I do not remember what happened after that.
His new thing is to repeat "Mommy mommy mommy" over and over again, regardless of what I am doing, or who I am talking to until I acknowledge him. This makes my teeth itch, and usually after about the 11th time he repeats it my response is "WHAT MORGAN"!!! Where he typically proceeds to tell me some tidbit of utter nonsense, of absolutely no consequense whatsoever.

I need a drink.

Finally figured it out.

2008-12-02T10:31:00.001-06:00

Haidyn Emillie

Yes we have a baby!

2008-12-01T16:01:00.002-06:00

For those that are curious we did go and have a baby. As you can imagine we have had our hands pretty full. I will post all the gory details pretty soon. I am trying to figure out how to blog from my new cell phone to post pics...but clearly I am retarded and I cannot figure out the address that I am supposed to send stuff to.

Clearly I have a brain cloud.

I spelled the babies name wrong on her Christmas stocking....yeah it's that bad.

Soon people.

No I do not want to buy any of your MEAT.

2008-10-29T09:08:00.002-05:00

So I am off to the doc today to have an ultrasound to find out if this turkey is done yet. I am SO tired of waddling around like a hippopotamus. I am going to do everything in my power to convince the doc to get this kid out of me as soon as possible. Hopefully I will convince him to do it as early as next Friday...let's all cross our fingers. I just want this kid out....everyone keeps giving me advice on how to induce labor naturally..Yes I know, sex...sure...but I would have to be talking to my husband in order to have sex with him...well not technically, but it does help. Wait...does the sex have to be with my husband?? Interesting.

So anyway, No more blogs about politics, people are just too damn sensitive. I am heading out to vote early today though before I go to the baby doc.

Today I wanna talk to you about the meat truck guys....yeah...you heard me right the meat truck. In our Neighborhood, and I am going to assume that this is just a Texas thing, but 2 dudes in a pickup truck, equipped with a giant freezer in the bed, drive around, and go door to door, trying to sell meat....from the back of a truck. WTF. Hey that kinda rhymed...Move over Dr. Seuss.

So, about once a month, I have to make up some new lie about why I do not want to purchase any animal flesh off the back of an old rusty pickup...We once told them that we were vegetarians...I started chanting "Meat is murder" in the background while the husband just snickered and closed the door. Last time I was a little off my game and I just told the guy we do not eat meat out of the bed of a truck...He began to school me about the awesome "Quality" of their meats.....I missed most of it because my ears started to bleed. Nothing annoys me more than telling a sales person that I am not interested in their product, and they start to give me a bunch of reasons why I am wrong. "Ma'am what is it gonna take to get you into some of my meat today"?

I was in sales for 10 years, and I totally get it, you wanna sell your product, you have to be a little pushy...but come on...it is meat on a truck...stop it. Someone says "No, thank you" it is time to move on. You asking me why I do not eat pickup truck meat, is not going to get you the answers from that you are looking for...trust me, what I have to say, does not have a canned response on your little negative response cheat sheet.

Someone we know actually gave them our address, and suggested that we would be interested in their products...yeah seriously, one of our "Friends" either thought we might actually enjoy eating this guys meat....or they thought it would be funny. It's all good, I now give their address to every Kirby, pest control, alarm sales, jahovah's witness, baptst church recruiter, (yes church people actually come door to door here) army recruiter, girl scout, newspaper boy, snotty little fundraising school kids selling wrapping paper or dynamite whatever....(you get the idea) that comes to our door. Send the meat man to my door will ya?? I also make sure to tell them that they are a hard sell, and that a little persisitance is all it will take to get them to buy, don't take no for an answer.

I would love to hear some of your clever responses to why not to buy meat from the meat truck guys.

Questions?

2008-10-24T19:18:00.003-05:00

I do not typically like to talk politics, or blog politics whatever...but I have some questions for the Obama supporters.

So if Obama Hood takes all our money, and gives it to the poor, then WE will be poor people, and he will give us money too right??

How bout we encourage the lazy and impoverished to use public funding to get an education, get a job, and go be productive members of society? Instead we are going to give them free health care, welfare checks, and housing...why would they ever leave..shit I am thinking it sounds like a good life. Let's all just say Fuck it, quit our jobs, and go apply for welfare. Why the hell should we keep busting our asses to pay MORE of our hard earned dollars to the people that just do not feel like getting a job.

When we can no longer afford to live in our houses because of all the tax increases, and "Sharing the wealth" you think Obama will let the middle class come crash at the white house?

Is it worse to NOT vote for a man because he is black, or to vote for him SOLELY because he is black?

I am not a racist, and if Obama was not a terrorist, trying to turn us into a socialist nation, I might actually vote for him too...but come on, you know there are alot of uneducated people out there voting for him for no other reason than the color of his skin.

After all this country has been through, how can any American vote for a man who is most certainly a muslim, with zero experience running anything, and suspected ties to terrorism?

A man that refuses to acknowledge our most treasured symols of American freedom, such as the pledge, or the American flag, could possibly be the next commander in chief of the greatest nation in the world?

I have a VERY bad feeling. God help us all.

Oh, BTW I have ALWAYS voted Democrat in every election since I was old enough to vote. I will be voting for McCain! Yeah Palin may not be the best choice for VP, but I would WAY rather have Palin as the number 2, than Obama as number 1. Hell I would vote for Palin as the President before voting Obama!!

Golden Showers

2008-10-14T10:18:00.006-05:00

This was not my proudest moment as a parent but I suppose that someday I might get a chuckle out of this.

Over the weekend we spent pretty much most of Saturday with friends. My good friend Courtney had everyone over to BBQ and watch the airshow, although we saw one airplane in about 3 hours, we did get to sit and listen to a drunken tirade and have a heated debate about pedophilia. But that is a story for...well....never. But a good time was had by most.

Afterward I headed home to start making sauce for dinner, we had planned to have a couple friends over for dinner. The adults had a HILARIOUS time rehashing the events of the day, and eating my famous stuffed shells Arriabiatta. While the children played outside, upstairs in the toy room, and were for the most part very well behaved the entire evening...amazingly.

Well....until.

Later in the evening, My husband was showing off his Wii to the guys, and the remaining kids were upstairs playing, while us wemins chilled on the couch and blabbed about this and that. Suddenly from above we hear a blood curdling scream from one of the boys, and one of the girls races upstairs to attend to her 3 year old son. I assume that one of the kids, hit/smacked/hurt the feelings of one of the others so I stay put.

Moments later I hear her screaming my son's name at the top of her lungs, which I assume cannot be a good thing. Everyone runs upstairs....well cept me, I do not run anywhere these days. But again I assume that if the problem is severe enough someone will have me airlifted to the second floor to investigate, and there are already 3 adults up there. I will just wait to see what happens.

So as she begins to decend the stairs with her 3 year old son in tow, I am looking for blood, but he just appears to be wet from head to toe...hair, face, shirt..etc?? I automatically assume tht they got into the bathroom, flooded the entire upstairs, and I should grab the phone and call the insurance company. When I hear this: "HE peed on me".

"WHAT???? I am sorry I think I just hallucinated....say what now"?

My lovely 4 year old son had stood on the top bunk of the bed (or so we thought at the time) and peed down onto this poor child.

Yeah, I will just let you absorb that statement for a minute.

So the husband is upstairs with the boy, and I can only imagine that arrmegeddon is about to break loose up there, while I go and help them get the boy into the bathtub, and a fresh change of clothes.

Once I have them settled in, I decided that it might be a good time to go investigate upstairs myself...so I waddle my big ass up there, only to see that the walls in my son's room are sprayed with urine...I mean all the way around the whole room....How the hell did he get this kind of range??? I mean there are some areas where it is at least 9-10 feet from the top bunk where there is a wet spray across the wall. I was astounded that my sweet little boy would even consider pulling out his tiny little winkie and peeing on another human being, but I have to say that the range that he got was even more perplexing at that moment.

So I enter the room, where the husband is really trying not to lose it, beat the child senseless, and trying to get him to tell us what he did. The first thing I notice is the astringent funk of pee, but almost instantaneoulsy I see that there is a squirt gun lying on the floor at the foot of the bed, and it appears to be wet.

So....I investigate the device by making the collossal mistake of sniffing it...low and behold my son PEED.... inside a squirt gun..... in order to shoot the other kids with his urine.

Go ahead...I will wait.

Now I dunno where an idea as such could possibly have entered his mind, or if he thinks that this is a frat house, but I was NOT amused. He got a pretty good spanking, a stern lecture, and is STILL grounded from Candy, junk food, pretty much anything that is not Breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I considered peeing on him, but I really just do not have the kind of velocity needed to get the job done.

I was so embarrassed, I put him in the shower afterwards, and attempted an apology to the poor boys parents, but the most I could come up with was "sorry my kid peed on your kid". Which actually sent us all into hysterical peels of laughter....but seriously...not funny. How do you go about apologizng for your child peeing on another kid?? Is that like a fruit basket kind of moment? I mean should I send a card? Flowers?

Anyone know the proper apology gift ettiquite for when your kid pees on another kid?

Paper or Plastic?

2008-10-04T08:30:00.002-05:00

While I have the utmost respect for people that have to preform menial tasks everyday as a part of their job function. And teenage kids that go to work, and learn to be productive members of society working at the grocery store. I applaud them for their responsibility. Especially the bag boy....I think that it really takes a special kind of person to preform this particular job.

If you have even had a conversation with your local supermarket bag boy, and not found him to be just a little off, then it is very possible that you my friend, are the one that is a bit off. This was never more true back when Wal-mart had baggers, instead of those spinning bag contraptions that inevitably makes me forget at least one bag. Those kids were certainly not applying to Mensa anytime soon. Hell most of them were not applying to McDonald's anytime soon.

Anyway, down to business. Yesterday we decided that we needed to head over to the local Albertson's for movie watching supplies i.e. Popcorn, M&M's etc. Which of course means that I pretty much went grocery shopping, and picked up some odds and ends for the whole weekend and spent $112. Including some frozen orange juice concentrate. Which to me is a completely normal everyday thing that you buy while grocery shopping no?

We get to the checkout, and the kid bagging our groceries had to be somewhere in the ballpark of I dunno, let's say 16-17 years old. He picks up a can of frozen orange juice, looks at us, and asks "Is this orange juice"?
Perplexed looks are exchanged between me and my husband, while the cashier just shoots us the look of apology, and it did not look like it was the first time she had to make excuses for him with her eyes today. So, me, waiting for the joke, looked right at him and said...."uh...yeaaaaah".
He then says "wow, I have never seen orange juice like this before".
Now people you know that there was no way I was leaving that alone right? So I say " You have never seen concentrated orange juice before"?
"No"
"But you work in a grocery store, bagging groceries"? (ok, I just thought that part)
"Is today your first day"?
"No"
"Did you grow up living on an orange grove"?
"No"
"Alrighty then"

How sheltered a life must this kid live? I have an image in my head of this kid's mom bringing him a big glass of orange juice everyday, and is afraid to tell him where it came from. What is he going to do when he goes out into the world and realizes that juice, like many other things, does not magically appear in a tall glass, situated next to your plate of bacon and eggs....OMG, I wonder if he knows about bacon? I have to go back there today and screw with him.

I am pretty sure that kid is going to have a pretty exhausting day when he sees canned corn, hot dogs, or god forbid FROZEN CHICKEN BREASTS. I was tempted to tell him that you can also get Apple juice, lemonade, and fruit punch in concentrated form, but I was concerned that might make his head explode.

We held our tongues until we walked outside, but I just about wet my pants laughing all the way to the car, and most of the way home. Jeff could not believe I actually asked him if he grew up on an Orange Farm....he said I was mean...I could not help myself.

I wonder if it was not an evil plot set by the grocery store to get people to spend more money. I mean, I totally want to go in there and buy a whole bunch of crap just to see what other everyday items I can confuse the bag boy with.

Is that my eyeball on fire?? Why yes....yes it is.

2008-10-03T07:56:00.003-05:00

WTF is going on with Television these days? I swear that I hear about new shows that I would rather have flaming hot sharp sticks shoved into my corneas before watching. Let me just start with a short list, in no particular order....

The shows that make me want to gouge my eyeballs out with flaming skewers.

1. A shot at love with Tila Tequila...I threw up in my mouth a little just from typing the title. I am fairly certain that this is the downfall of western civilization. I just do not understand why ANYONE would watch this? It boggles the mind.

1. Living Lohan....do I even need to ask? Who gives a rat's ass? Is it just me or is the lesbo chick that LL is supposedly dating not the most hideous thing you have ever seen? I mean come on, can she not at least hook up with a HOT lesbian chick? Especially considering that it is just a publicity stunt. I certainly am not spending any of my fantasy time thinking about those two getting down...*bleck*.

1. Whatever that new Pamela Anderson show is....just a girl..or just a syphilitic cum bucket freak? I get that Pam is hot...or WAS hot 10 years ago, but have you taken a look at her face lately? It kinda looks like Bea Arthur's twat...or what I imagine that would look like. And all the surgeries on her tits...do they look deformed to you...that cleavage separation in the middle just keeps getting stranger looking. Pam looks rode hard and put away wet....and not even in a good way.

1. Anything whatsoever to do with any member of the Hogan, or the Kardashian families...WHY THE FUCK...that is all I keep saying...WHY? Who watches this bullshit? I mean someone must be doing it because it is still on TV!! STOP IT! I am certain that the first sign of the apocolypse is Kim Kardashian's ass. And Hulk Hogan...really? I am at a loss for words. Are Television consumers intelligence levels sinking so low that these washed up celebrities, and their families are now what passes for entertainment?

1. I am afraid to even say this because my head my spontaneously combust....BUT It must be done....Paris Hilton has ANOTHER reality show. Ok....just a small fire..I got it under control. That bitch makes my teeth itch. WHO keeps giving her an outlet where we actually have to listen to her speak? I think that the most heinous torture you could inflict upon another person would be to force them to watch her television show. I might have nightmares just thinking about it.

Ok, that is enough of the pain for today. I think I might make this a regular segment on this blog called "Things that make me homicidal". Shit that should just be the title of this blog. Tell us what TV shows make you want to stab someone.

Are you wearing clean underwear?

2008-09-29T10:32:00.002-05:00

I had this great idea for a blog...but for the life of me I cannot remember what it was....that is fucking annoying. So I decided that I would just pose a question to all you internets out there.

This is a 3 part question...well it will be if I can remember all 3 parts. Something is is wrong with my brain.

This pertains to what your mom always told you about putting on clean underwear in case your in an accident. Is it just me, or has everyone heard this? Ok...well anyway, let me ask you this....when are you going out wearing dirty underwear? I mean, who does that...
"oh well I guess I do not have any clean underwear, I guess I will just put on these shit stained ones from yesterday"?
I dunno, I personally would prefer to go commando before wearing dirty skivvies. But hey, that might just be me. Perhaps there is a whole big group of people out there that get their rocks off wearing dirty underwear....I have heard of worse fetishes.

Ok, so next part is this...say you are in an accident, and the paramedics have to come, and they have to use the jaws of life to get your ass out of the car....do you really give a rats ass if they see that your underwear are less than pristine? And for that matter.....what the fuck are those damn sneaky paramedics doing looking at your bits anyway? But, Does mom think that they are actually going to like yank down your drawers and see that your wearing "Tuesday" Panties on Thursday? "Oh shit Frank, look that the skid marks in this guys fruit of the loom's, put him back in the car". "His mom must have forgotten to remind him to put on his clean undies before leaving the house".

Ok, and seriously, could you just not say Hey man, I just got in a car wreck, you would have shit your pants a little too!! I mean besides the fact that your wearing underwear with the days of the week embroidered on the front...how would they know?

Do NOT touch me! Open letter to people who are socially fucken retarded!!

2008-09-25T12:07:00.005-05:00

I think that there is seriously something wrong with people. For real, what is it about a pregnant woman that makes everyone totally forget their manners? Come on people, you really need to look past my belly, and observe the look on my face before you decide to strike up a conversation, or for the love of all that is good and holy, TOUCH ME! Be warned, you will pull back a nub!

First of all, what is with all the inappropriate comments?? Yesterday I had no less than 6 women strike up random conversations with me about my extremely obvious pregnancy. I am typically not the type to talk to random strangers, and usually the look of disinterest or annoyance on my face dissuades people from engaging me. But for some reason, my defenses are weakened because I am carrying a watermelon around my waist. Apparently my belly is directly blocking peoples view of my facial expression. Damn Baby!

Some woman in McDonald's asked if I was miserable, because I looked miserable.....wow, thanks lady....are you bulimic cause you kinda look like vomit.

I was in the beauty supply store, and the annoying sales clerk, who had already made a dumb comment about my hair, asked me when I was due....which I seriously hear about 8,000 times a day. Why the fuck does everyone keep asking me when I am due??? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CARE? You are a totally random stranger, I will prolly NEVER see you again in my life (at least if I can help it). Why do you wanna know when I am having my baby? Are you planning to send flowers...presents? No???...Then mind your own fucking business you nosy bitch!

I told her November, and she said "Wow, are you having twins"? I said "uh, NO"! with just about as much disdain as I could muster...which is A LOT! Then that bitch had the nerve to say "That must that must be one really big baby"!!

I simultaneously stabbed that bitch in the eye with a nail file, while my head exploded.

Finally, some little old lady in Wal-mart just started talking to me about her grandkids....what?? Lady can't you see that I am very busy trying to decide what kind of mustard to buy...why on earth are you talking to me?? I hate that shit. I could seriously give a rats ass about how cute it is when your grandson fills the shopping cart with random shit and you end up buying it...I told her she should beat him with a wooden spoon, that always works for me.

She left me alone after that. In fact I am pretty sure I saw store security following the rest of my shopping trip.

I am tempted to just not leave the house for the rest of this pregnancy...Either that or stop showering, or start working harder on my "leave me the fuck alone" glare. I need to get a t-shirt that says "No, I am not pregnant....just fat, don't fucking touch me"....anyone know where I can get me one of those?

Out into the world, like sheep, amidst the wolves.

2008-09-04T19:13:00.003-05:00

My baby started preschool this week. It was a very emotional experience for me. I was so nervous, and worried that he was going to hate it, or that he was going to act up for the teacher. Or just act like he does at home. I dropped him off on Tuesday morning, went in to his class and sat with him for a few minutes. The first thing he did was ask the teacher for some candy, so at least he was making himself comfortable. He went over to the table, started doing a puzzle and ignoring me, so I made a quick exit, and barely made it out of the room before losing it. I knew that I was going to get upset, but I really had no idea how overcome with emotion I would be from dropping my baby at pre-k for 5 hours.

I am typically a very close to the vest person with my emotions, you will rarely see me cry, or show much emotion...without copious amounts of alcohol anyway. Of course my friend Courtney, who was also dropping off her kids, just happened to be coming down the hall when I made my tearful exit into the hallway. So not only did I burst into tears in public, there were witnesses. I made a mental note of how many people I needed to kill later, logistically speaking it was just too many bodies to be feasible, I have limited closet space...I guess I will just have to live with it this one time. First person to make fun of me for crying gets a ninja kick to the throat.

I spent the entire day waiting for my phone to ring, the teacher calling to tell me to come get him because he was unhappy, uncooperative, annoying, hurt, etc. I could not wait to go pick him up and see how he did. Of course my worries and fears were unfounded, and he loved it.

Although I was a little concerned when he came home on the very first day, and told me about how he had to hide the baby moses in the basket so that the demons would not eat him....did I mention that his new Pre-K is in a Baptist church? Yeah...great. We had to have a nice long conversation about how demons are not real. Then I had a nice talk with the teacher about not telling my kid that Demons eat babies....don't make me have to show you my mad ninja skilz.

Is it Friday yet???

2008-08-20T18:03:00.003-05:00

I know that you are all waiting on the edge of your seat for my next witty post. Unfortunately I have been buried in children for the past 3 weeks...I volunteered to sit on 2 of my friends babies for a while. I should probably have my head examined. The 9 week old baby, has been nothing short of exhausting...I am pretty sure that when my baby is born I am going to send her to go live in a convent until she is about 3, or at least until she can wipe her own butt, and feed herself. Friday is my last day of baby sitting...I totally adore that kid, but wow I am fucken wiped out.

Nothing particularly funny or interesting has happened to me lately that I could blog about, because I have not left the house. Unless you consider being peed on repeatedly, and not having time to shower funny. If so, your a douche and I hate you.

In 2 weeks the kids start school!! Well, Mom's day out anyway. OMG, I am so excited for 2 days a week of quiet, I dunno what I am going to do with myself. Sleep is the very first thing that comes to mind, followed directly by Shopping, having lunch with my friends without our kids, taking a bath...alone, taking a poop...alone, maybe getting a pedi, reading a book, and sleep...did I say sleep? Hell I might even post an interesting blog...hey, it could happen.

10,000

2008-08-06T17:50:00.002-05:00

WOOT!

Happy Dance!!

Not another eyeball

2008-08-04T10:09:00.002-05:00

People are fucken stupid....

A couple days ago, my friend Jess and I went out to register the kids for preschool, with my 4 year old, her 2 year old, and my friends baby that I watch who is 8 weeks. After lugging all 3 kids into the church and getting the tour/registration process all taken care of, we went to Mcdonald's for lunch, and then I had to make a quick stop at the grocery store. I figured it would be a ton easier to leave the kids in the car with Jess so that I could just run in and grab my 3 things, and run out. Allegedly.

First of all, Jess had to take over driving the car, to keep us in motion or little squeak in the back started to scream...so we quick did the Chinese fire drill, and I ran into the store...like I was a contestant on supermarket sweep, grabbed the couple items I needed and made a beeline for the checkout. When I get there, every line is backed up 4-5 people deep with rednecks (did I mention we stopped at Wal-mart), like there is a rollback on coke, Fritos, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. bobble heads.

So I do the unthinkable, and I get into the "Self Check-out" line...I HATE the self check-out, it never fails that the stupid machine does not recognize the jar of spaghetti sauce in the bagging area, and has to call over the moron attendant, who is already busy helping some idiot with a price check on anal suppositories.

But I am in a hurry, and there is only one person in front of me waiting for the next available of the 4 machines. I decide to brave it, I mean I only have 4 things. Of course, everyone at each of the "fast" lanes, has an entire basket full of items...fine whatever. So patiently wait my turn, and just before the next person is about to finally finish checking out, this woman just kinda walks up out of nowhere and stands directly behind this one check-out lane that is getting ready to be done...completely circumventing the entire LINE of people waiting to use the machines. As if she decided that we were all waiting for one machine, and the other 3 were fair game.

Now, I have already had a pretty trying morning...and I am pretty astounded that this bitch would just ignore the proper procedures of self check-out ettiquite. So I step out of line, and move up right next to her and just kinda stood there glaring at her...she glanced in my direction a few times, but did not even have the courtesy to look afraid.

So the time comes, and the people finally finish checking out with their 2 carts of groceries, and I immediately begin to move toward the check out, but being that miss thing was not 7 months pregnant, and did not have a cart to push, she got up there before me. So I say "Just so you know, the line for this checkout was back there" and I point to the line of people now accumulating at the back...she just looks over there, looks at me and says "ok" and proceeds to scan her 3 items. My left eyeball popped out and rolled across the floor.

I actually had one of those rare moments where I was flabbergasted, speachless,...such a rare moment for me...I had thought about what I was going to say for like 37 minutes while we were waiting for the rednecks to finish making their ointment, hulk Hogan memorabilia, and twinkie purchases...I choked...nothing to say. I considered for a minute grabbing her by her hair and physically removing her back to the end of the line...but she was too fast for me, she had paid cash, and bailed out of there before I could compose myself. Damnit.

I was more pissed at myself for not saying something clever, and highly insulting while she was still standing there....there is nothing more annoying than thinking up 11 things to say after someone walks away and the smackdown opportunity has passed.

94 and counting....

2008-08-01T16:47:00.002-05:00

Ninety-five more hits to go people...wow it is really going alot slower than I thought it would...Guess I need to start posting more pornographic pictures, or phrases like "Montauk Sea creature" Or Jessica Alba's Cooter bug. But I am above selling myself like that.

Here is a little follow up to the last post's picture of me, looking like a porn star, from when I was like 26. I have a much more recent shot of me from 2 months ago. I was about 4 months pregnant at the time.

I have spent the day in bed because I have recently contracted some sort of intestinal demon, that has had me doubled over in agony, or running for the bathroom every five minutes all day. I am afraid to eat or drink anything in fear that it might come shooting directly out my ass like a barrel over Niagara falls. My ass feels like someone actually lit me on fire. It's lovely, I highly recommend it. Well, I gotta go back to sipping my gatorade, and eating my jello...Jello because it was the only thing that I could think of that sounded like it might actually be mildly pleasant to come rocketing out of my ass at the speed of sound.

So for anyone that wants to go on a quick diet, and lose 10 lbs, let me know. I will come over and lick all your door handles. Hmmm...that sounds a little twisted.

Randomness

2008-07-29T08:18:00.003-05:00

Sorry it has been so long since my last post, but I have been really busy having sex with my husband. Well, actually I am not sorry, suck it.

Thanks everyone for all the fun comments. I am still working my way toward that 10k hits, but I will keep you all apprised of the situation. Oh, and I promised prizes if you commented didnt I? Let me see what I can do.

Here ya go...and old ass pic of me...before the children and my 30's happened. Note the porn star pose and giant boobies....like you missed them. Ha. Now imagine those boobies about 3 times that size. Your welcome.

I am babysitting for the next 3 weeks, my friend's 7 week old baby. She peed on me today. I was changing her diaper, and I suddenly noticed that my leg and foot were warm and wet (that sounds perverse)....I have a 4 year old boy, who has never peed on me once(he has peed in my candles, and drinking glasses, but not on me) and this kid peed on me the second day I had her. Go figure.

10K Comments

2008-07-14T08:19:00.005-05:00

No, I am NOT running anywhere.

My little blog is rapidly approaching 10,000 hits, like you, I am very excited. Mind you about half of those hits are probably from me checking to see how close I am to 10,000 hits, or if someone actually found my blog and left me a comment. I really need to start coming up with some interesting word combinations and phrases, in order to get more search hits without inviting the pedophiles and deviants. Stuff like "waxed muffin", "stimulated boatman", "deflowered virgins in Guam". Yeah, I did not say I was good at it. How about some help?

Anyway, getting back to the hit counter. I need to think of something fun to commemorate the occasion....perhaps ~~lighting someone on fire~~ a naked picture, or edible panties (worn/unworn, you will just have to roll the dice) for the people who leave comments on the big day.

Wow, how sad is that, did I just bribe my readers with naughty paraphernalia to come to my site and leave comments? Listen people, I am not above ~~homicide~~ ~~arson~~ ~~battery~~ bribery in order to get what I want.

I started this blog as a way to vent, and possibly keep some of the family updated on what we are up to down here in Hickville, USA. More the former though. But people have really been staying out of my way lately. Perhaps my 200lb+ rapidly rounding frame, and raging hormones are a bit intimidating? I dunno why, the voices in my head tell me that I am sweet.

Please leave a comment ~~I am holding the matches fuckers~~ and I will send you a prize.

Its all gone to pot.

2008-07-09T09:14:00.004-05:00

I had an awesome birthday, thanks so much to all that attended, brought me presents, or sent birthday wishes. I really appreciated everyone, and felt very loved. My wicked awesome friend Angie, got me the cupcakes from sprinkles that I wanted so bad. They were so good! She drove all the way to Dallas just to get me some cupcakes....my friends are the bomb!

Jessica, who has decided to do all my drinking for me until I "pop that kid out" (her words), tried to do all the birthday shots for me. Unfortunately the restaurant we went to does not serve shots....in fact they said they did not even have shot glasses?? WTF? Why not just serve me the shots in a regular glass?? Sorry Jess, no blow jobs for you...bummer.

My mom told Jessica that if she had ACTUALLY done all my birthday drinking for me, she would most likely be in a coma now. What are you trying to say mom? And was that a compliment....I can't tell.

Next year I am getting drunk....

No, not me...drunk? Never?

I did have a glass of champagne, although I had to mix it with Orange juice because it was too strong...how pathetic is that? 5 1/2 months and my tolerance is GONE. All those years of hard work drinking, gone to waste. Damn Baby!

Another year.

2008-07-07T08:09:00.002-05:00

Contrary to my wishes, threats, and bribes, my birthday has gone ahead and come back again. Another year older, perhaps wiser, but definitely older. Although I feel young, in my mind I have not aged a day past 18...unfortunately my body has different ideals.

I had a wonderful weekend with my good friends, and my family. Our party was a huge success on Saturday. A wonderful time was had by all. The kids (and some of the adults) played for 5 straight hours on the water slide. I am actually considering buying one of these things so that we have it whenever we want. I have never seen the kids so occupied, and happy. There was no fighting, or drama. With the exception of a few minor scrapes and bumps, a perfect time was had by all.

The adults laughed, joked, drank rum runners (cept me), and ate their fill of BBQ. It was a perfect day! Our neighborhood fireworks were spectacular we had front row seats on our front lawn for the show. We truly have great friends, I had a wonderful time. A few people had a couple too many of my extra awesome rum runners...including my husband. Yes that is him, in the background of the last picture. He did that like 4 times that night. What can I say, I married that guy.

My friend Jess and I, Cheezin.

Watching the fireworks....well waiting for them.

Yeah, dorkball husband in the background.

I am off to the spa to pamper myself with a Pedi. Then out to dinner with a big group of my friends tonight. I hope someone gets me some cupcakes, a maid, and a stripper. The Trifecta.

And then I killed the neighbors.

2008-07-05T08:19:00.005-05:00

So yesterday was a lovely holiday, we pretty much chilled at home with exception to a family excursion to Home Depot, and the grocery store, we stuck here to get some stuff done and ready for our party. Just about dark there was excitement in the air, and the popping, cracking, and booming of the illegal neighborhood fireworks began.

So the 3 of us grabbed a few camp chairs and parked it at the end of our driveway to catch a glimpse of some free entertainment. A few of our neighbors actually had some nice shows going on, so that at all times we had something to look at, regardless of the whiplash we all now suffer. After about an hour, we decided to head back in to the back yard, get the meat on the smoker for our party tonight, and to watch the shows that were going on behind us. Another hour or so of that, the boy fell asleep in my lap, so off to bed he went, and off to the couches for us.

Around 11pm the excitement started to die down, and most of the ruckus had faded. I decided that I have had enough for one holiday, so say goodnight to the husband and head off to bed. Shortly after falling in a much needed slumber, I was brutally shaken from my sleep from what I can only imagine is the full scale reenactment of pearl harbor. I jump up out of bed, as I am pretty sure that someone just hit our house with a 1/2 ton mortar. As I walk outside the sky lights up directly overhead with what I can only imagine was about $700 worth of boomer. Holy shit, I look at the clock it is almost 12:30...wtf people. It appears that the nuclear fallout is coming from the house directly behind us.

Now, I do not want to be a fuddy duddy, but listen, it is fucking approaching 1am, and people are SLEEPING you inconsiderate fuck balls. I decide against calling the police for two reasons... FIRST and foremost I am SURE that they are flooded with calls from other pissed off citizens calling to complain about the noise, and Second, well it is the 4th of July, and they are setting them off so few and far between, that I cannot tell if they stopped or not. After a few minutes, I am relieved in my delusion that they have desisted, and that I can safely go back to bed.

The husband and I both head back to bed, and get setted in. Not 3 minutes later Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh....BOOM BOOOM BOOOOOM!!! MUTHER FUCKER!! That is IT. The boy coms walking into our room, and climbs into our bed (last straw assholes). So I head outside into the backyard...and if you were in the northern hemisphere, or anywhere near Texas, I was the one screaming obsceneites at the top of my lungs, directed at the unseen neighbors. Whooosh...BOOOM! I run into the house, (as much of a run as I can get to at 6 months pregnant) flip on the bedroom light and begin to rapidly get dressed. I have had enough, it is now 1am, I am going over there. My husband tells me to relax...(he has no idea how close to death he was). He also starts getting dressed, and tells me that he will go. I walk out into the backyard, and they set off a double set...I saw red.

I jump in my car, there are already other bleary eyed people trolling around in their cars trying to see where the fireworks are coming from. I race around the corner, and see my husband just rounding their street to where the offenders are. Shit, I did not even know he had left the house. Here I am all set to start ripping into some drunk teenagers, and low and behold it is a family, a ghetto family, complete with YOUNG kids, outside sitting in the driveway, testing out their pyrotechnic skills at 1am. My husband holds up his hand to me as if to say "I got this", as he walks over there and says something I cannot hear, which to me is unacceptable, the whole neighborhood would have heard my tirade had I been allowed to go over there. They in return say something smart ass to him, and he turns and walks away.....WHAT?? That is that?? There was no bitch slapping, no screaming or yelling?? As he turns to walk back toward me, I notice the telltale lump in the back of his shirt...and he walks back toward home, very calmly. Talk about walk softly. How anti-climatic is that??

That entire scenario would have gone down WAY differently had I gotten there first. But he apparently said that the police have been notified, it is 1am, kids are sleeping, and it needs to stop. And they replied with something to the effect of ok, we are done now.

My left eye popped out of my head and rolled down the sidewalk.

Thankfully they did stop, cause I was going to be the one with a bulge in the back of my shirt, in the shape of the 12 gauge if it didn't. My question here is WHAT the fuck is in peoples heads? What on earth would make them think it was ok to make that much noise at that late hour setting off explosives directly over my house?? Just because it is the 4th of July, does that automatically mean that you can be an inconsiderate douche bag? I realize that it is a day to celebrate our freedom, but holy shit people...learn some mother fucking respect for your neighbors.

It took me 45 minutes to fall back asleep from the adrenaline, and unspent aggression. Then I dreamt of an entire NY City fireworks show, being "accidentally" set off inside the fuckheads living room. I slept like a baby.

Happy 5th of July people, enjoy your hangovers, 2 more days till my first sober birthday in 15 years. (not that I am that old, but who actually starts drinking on their 21st birthday...for the first time). The next person that rolls up and tells me what a drag it is that I cannot drink on my birthday is getting a bottle of bourbon shoved up their ass.

Happy Birthday to me.

2008-07-04T20:18:00.005-05:00

Oh, and America!!

So Monday is my Birthday, and my wonderful husband bought me a gazebo for the back porch, and he even went out and put it together for me. There was some swearing, and a little blood, but it got done, and it looks great. Just in time for our 4th of July party tomorrow. We rented a giant water slide, our neighborhood is putting on a huge fireworks display that we can see from our yard. And I am going to try my hand at smoked brisket....I am a little concerned, but keeping my fingers crossed. I am also making smoked chicken wings...OMG if you have never smoked chicken wings, I highly recommend it. They are awesome.

This is my pretty new back porch....I am really looking forward to spending lots of time out here!!

I truly hope that everyone has a safe and happy holiday weekend. At some point make sure you take time to honor the men and women of our armed forces that have made our freedom possible.

Dumb Bitch

2008-07-03T13:32:00.002-05:00

I saw this over at Mspuddin It made me laugh so hard I almost peed...watch...enjoy.

People are freakin weird.

2008-07-02T14:26:00.005-05:00

I read this today, and found it quite amusing. I have no idea if one single word of it is true, but still interesting to read.

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.

He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world
that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed
to kill her adulterous husband,
but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand,
may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens,
her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought).

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem
that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species
that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight,
can pull 30 times its own weight and
always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that).
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too).
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

HAPPY HUMP DAY!

Buh Bye Crabs

2008-06-29T09:38:00.004-05:00

Apparently our fish decided that they were not gonna let those crabs get away with escaping the tank. Turns out they were running for their lives....our Cichlids ate them yesterday. We went out to see a movie, and when we got back the fish had already killed one, and the other one was still running around, but had no eyes. They eventually snuffed him out too. So I am guessing that there are consequences for trying to leave the family. The husband flushed the crab carcasses down the potty. I guess all drains do lead to the sea.

I am just pissed because we were told that the crabs would eat the shit off the bottom of the tank, and they did not even get a chance. Between escaping, and getting eaten, they have had kind of a busy week. Selfish little fuckers went and died before they could eat all the fish shit off the bottom of my tank...the nerve of some invertebrates (had to look up invertebrates really quick to make sure I was using the correct term).

Anyway, now the husband thinks that perhaps a crayfish might fair better amongst our cannibalistic little aquatic community...I have my doubts. Especially considering that they have eaten everything we have put in there, guppies, shrimp, crabs....guess we are going to find out. I just want a freaking bottom feeder that will clean up the little fish turds laying around everywhere so I do not have to clean the freaking tank. Perhaps my dreams of a shit free tank are less like dreams and more like delusions.

At least I no longer have to sleep with duct tape across the bottom of the door, because I am afraid that the little bastards are going to skitter into my room and eat my eyeballs while I sleep.

Oh no, not the crabs!!!

2008-06-27T08:30:00.003-05:00

Last week for Father's Day, the husband and I went out and got him an aquarium for the house. The man loves fish, so I figured it would be an appropriate gift. We got the tank all set up, it is quite beautiful I must say. I suppose I could have photographed it, but that sounds like work right now, and well, I have not even had my coffee yet.

Yesterday while on a routine shopping trip to the fifth ring of Hell (wal-mart), he came running over (yes my 30 year old husband), "Hunnie, they have fiddler crabs"!!
"Uh...ok, cool. I am looking for hairspray right now, but go ahead and go get a few if you want dear". He looked like a kid in a candy store. How could I resist that face. So he grabbed a couple crabs, and I saw a cichlid that I liked...it had spots....how cool is that shit...a spotted fish.

So off we go with our groceries, and two water baloons containing our new aquatic purchases. The skeletal remains that they were trying to pass off as a cashier, kindly reminded us to lift the bags over the sensor doo-dads by the front door or the "scanner waves" would kill the fish...Whatever you say skeletor. I am pretty sure she was just trying to get us arrested for trying to circumvent the security system at wal-mart to steal crabs. Bet you would have got a big kick out of that, eh skeletor?

We avoided being arrested, and got our crabs home, and safely added to the tank. So we thought. This morning I got an email from the husband saying that when he turned on the lights in the tank that the crabs were nowhere to be seen...but not to worry they were prolly in the pirate ship. Ok..whatever, they are your crabs, I don't care if the fish eat them.

So, the boy and I are just sitting on the couch, watching cartoons, minding our own business, when he starts to SCREAM "Mama, Mama...the crabs are on the floor, its crawing toward my flip flop mama look look look"
"Dude the crabs are in the tank, they cannot crawl into your flip flops....sheesh"
"MAMA THE CRAB IS CRAWLING ON THE FLOOOR!!! LOOK". He is fully standing on the couch, jumping up and down, and shrieking, so maybe I should investigate.

Ugh, so I set my laptop asside, and get up, fully expecting that my 4 year old just duped me into jum...."HOLY SHIT There is a crab on the floor"!!!!

I have no idea how the hell he got out, but he was making his way toward the front door. He was like "I am out of here".

So first I grab the camera, because my husband is not going to fucken believe this shit...little bastard takes off running, which totally gives me the willies....I snap the picture just as he runs sideways thorough a tuft of stray dog hair...then snap his ass up with the fish net, and toss his little escapist ass back in the tank.

Trouble is, I still do not see the other one, so now I am kinda freaking out...like he is waiting around the corner for me to step on it, or pinch me with his little mini claws. A thought I find more than a little disturbing, and it does not help that they kinda look like little spiders! From the inside of the tank, I find them totally harmless, and inoccuous. But skittering around on my floor...no ah ah. I am seriously considering letting the dog in to find it for me.

It occurs to me that they are well...obviously getting out thru the top, so I open the filter compartment, and wouldnt you know it, the other little bastard has climbed all the way to the top of the bubbler tube, and is just about to throw himself (herself...yeah I have no idea)over the edge and flee for the door. So I knock that little sucker back down, and then do the heebie jeebie dance.

Now I am terrified that one of them is going to get out, and make it into my bedroom and try to eat out my eyeballs while I am sleeping....great like I really needed anything else to add to my list of irrational phobias. Let's see, Clowns...check, flying creatures (yes, birds, butterflies, bats, bugs you name it) check, pool drains...check, being trapped in an elevator...check, and now crabs eating my eyeballs in my sleep...wtf?

Like...Oh my god...totally.

2008-06-25T07:19:00.009-05:00

**ETA** This blog is not about YOU....if your concerned that it is, perhaps you have a guilty conscience about something, or you need to have someone check your ego.

Remembering the High School "Girls".

You know what I mean, those girls...you know the ones. The girls that gather together in their little click, going so far out of their way to exclude others that they feel are unworthy, or uncool. Actually trying to see if they can hurt others, who have no regard for other peoples feelings, or problems.

You know the girls that always have the funny inside jokes that make no sense to anyone else, yet they are constantly throwing around punch lines to further alienate others. Those girls that always had to push everyone around them down, so that they can feel better about themselves. Those who when faced with a problem, even with one in their sacred circle, would oust her and spread vicious rumors, try to convince others to ostracize her, and tell everyone all her deepest darkest secrets as opposed to sitting down and talking things out. The girls that, when doing something shameful, wrong, or embarrassing, distance themselves from their group of friends to avoid being "Judged" or in fear that someone may actually be the voice of reason, and convince them that what they are doing is inappropriate, harmful, or stupid.

I hated high school, hated those girls and their hurtful ways, hated always feeling like an outsider looking in. I often lost sleep wondering what I could do to make them want me, to convince them that I was cool, too. The day I walked out those doors, for the last time, I rejoiced in the knowledge that I would never again have to feel that way, so excluded, and unworthy. I was finally free. Free to make adult friends, and adult relationships, without fear of being judged because I was not pretty enough, or not cool enough...I could just be me. Free to live in a world where friends talk out their issues, and communicate, and care about each other. I came to realize that those girls were just that "Girls"...children...petty, immature, insecure, little sociopaths.

Thankfully I have found that NOT all girls are like this. Not all women revert back to high school and fill their lives with 1Drama as adults. Some girls are caring, and thoughtful of their friends, appreciative of other people. Respectful even, some girls make you feel good about yourself, even on your worst day, and appreciate you for you. The girls that make you feel beautiful, smart, funny, and cool. Those are your real friends, keep them close.

"Take care of your friends, your enemies can take care of themselves".

1Did you ever notice that it is always the ones that complain that they do not want any drama in their lives, that are usually the ones that are causing all the drama?

MeMe

2008-06-20T08:22:00.003-05:00

Meme About Nothing for No Reason.

1. You just received too much change. What is the most that you would feel obligated to come clean about it..if at all? Phhh, return it? Someone just gave me free money, why the hell would I return it?? Seriously the more it is, the more tempting it is to keep it. But it depends on where it was...Walmart?? I am keeping that shit, some little mom and pop place, I would return it.

2. What is the last present you regifted? A bottle of sex lube...LOL...Seriously though, I am a notorious regifter, I have a closet full of stuff for regifting.

3. You're puking your guts up from the flu and are delirious, who do you call to take care of you? My husband, but I rarely get sick, it is usually him that I am taking care of.

4. It is 4am, you're at Dennys (or any 24 hour diner like establishment) after a night of drinking. What did you just order? Moon's over My hammy!!! Of course....do they have anything else at Denny's?

5. You were just handed $2500 and must spend it going away for the weekend. Where are you going and are you going to ask anyone to come along? I am going to Hawaii/Bermuda/Bahama, with my husband, or boyfriend whoever is available. Maybe both.

6. Who shared your first ever romantic kiss and do you know where that person is now? Some goofy teenage boy when I was 13, I have no idea where he is now, and have no desire to. My how your tastes change...whatever he had a car, and at that stage in my life it was really the only stipulation.

Ok, everyone is tagged...

A time to kill

2008-06-19T13:14:00.004-05:00

So the picture seemed to draw some traffic. So here is another one. This one is from before I got pregnant, but I still pretty much look the same (in the face). This is where I show off my awesome photo editing skills. I personally LOVE this picture. But I am a bit biased.

So we have a vandal, like our own personal vandal. 2 weeks ago the tires on my SUV were slashed, and last night I heard a noise outside, and turns out some limp dick, lowlife, hillbilly, piece of country fuck pulled up on our side street and egged our house from the back. Looks like we got hit with 2-3 eggs. I have a VERY good idea who it was....But don't want to say too much, because if for some reason someone turned up dead...with like, I dunno, my tire prints across their face, or 11 bullets from my gun in their forehead, I would not want anyone to think it was me.

Besides, when I kill people, I prefer to set them on fire....but don't tell anyone.

Jam's gets no sober love.

2008-06-18T09:19:00.006-05:00

I love to take pictures, especially self portraits. I actually spent $300 on a camera because it has a view screen that flips outward so I can see myself in the self portrait..."Vanity, it's my favorite sin". I have been working on my photography skills, I want to take great pictures, but I fear that I do not have the eye...so I have to practice. Taking pics of myself is a good way to do this, because if I can make myself look good...to me...than I must be doing something right. The sad thing is that I took photography classes all through high school. Cameras have changed a bit though in 14 years...yeah you heard that right I was in high school more than 14 years ago...bite me. I look good for 30 something. OMG, I cannot believe I just called myself 30 something....somebody kill me please.

*i was kidding, get away from me with that chainsaw......mom".

So this is week 19 of the sobriety experiment...I suppose it is going well. All my friends keep telling me that they cannot wait for it to be over so they can have their drinking buddy back...does it make you an alcoholic if your the person that EVERYONE calls when they want to get drunk? Knowing that you will go get drunk, or could possibly be half way there already? Yeah, I don't think so either...I am just fun!

I have made several new friends since being pregnant. My long time friends keep warning them that they are going to LOVE drunk Jam, and how great I am when I am the life of the party....uh, really am I that much of a downer now? Bitches.

Although, I do not remember missing drinking this much last time I was pregnant...I guess it has more to do with having so many wino friends to drink with now. I will tell you, I do not miss the hangovers, or the wheezing from smoking 2 packs of cigarettes while drunk. Waking up the next day with that 'i licked all the ashtrays clean' taste in your mouth. That is hot right....come here baby give me a kiss.

I kinda hope that I kick the smoking thing for good....but I am pretty sure it is not going to happen...every time I see someone go out for a smoke, or light up on TV it makes me want one. I did steal a drag off a friends cigg last week, thought I was gonna vomit, and hack up a chunk of lung. It was awesome.

Gotta go, time to head out to a pool party to watch all my skinny friends drink margaritas, and chain smoke. It's ok...I am going to eat a whole tray of cupcakes in front of those skinny hoes.

Does a bear shit in my downstairs powder room?

2008-06-10T12:26:00.004-05:00

I need to ask a question about poop.

Is there a grown man hiding in the colon of my 4 year old? Or a large bear? I swear my son takes the biggest shits I have even seen...I know this because he has a mild aversion to flushing the toilet. This morning, I kinda startled myself awake because I realized that it was light outside, and the boy was nowhere to be seen. In my house, this means one of two things...he is dead..or getting into something. So I jump up, and start my daily search, dog's bowls intact, refrigerator seems in order, pantry door locked as it should be, no bombs ticking that I am aware of, my car is still in the driveway...so where could he be?

"Morgan....where are you"?

"I'm Pooooping"

Ahhh, so I round the corner toward the bathroom, and the smell stabs me in the face. Wow, that is alot of funk for a 4 year old. He is standing naked from the waist down in the bathroom.

"Dude, what's up"?
"I pooped on the potty".
"Alrigh....oh my lord, I don't think that is going to flush down. That is the biggest poop I have ever seen".
"Yeah, I know, I had to go real bad".
"Are you gonna flush it"?
"No, its ok, you can do it".
"Uh...gee, thanks. Wash your hands".
"I don't need to".
"Yeah, I think you better".
"butt moooooommmmmm".
"wash your hands you nasty little freak".

I am such a good mom. But seriously, that was the biggest turd I have ever seen, our 100lb dog does not take shits that big. I wonder if giant homeless bears are breaking into our house to use the commode at night?

I. Quit.

2008-06-05T08:00:00.004-05:00

YESTERDAY:

This morning, I was awakened by the neighbor, in my bedroom telling me that my 4 year old son was IN MY CAR! It was like 3 seconds past 7am. I jumped up, ran outside, and there he was looking all guilty. Apparently he told her not to wake me up, and that he would go inside. BAH! Anyway, he took my keys out of my purse, unlocked and opened the front door, went out to my car, unlocked it, got in, and tried to start it.

I am still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. Punishments are being dealt out today. He spent 15 minutes in time out, There is no TV, no going outside, No pool, no good cereal for breakfast. In fact I am making sure that he is not getting anything that he wants. I am going thru all his toys and getting rid of all the junk, sorting out all the baby toys, **and toys that belong to other children...we have alot of crap. I am making him help me, but he is not allowed to play with anything.

I cannot think of any more punishments, if anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears. I had a long talk with him, and he still has not told me what the hell he was thinking. I think it is going to be a long ass day! Help!

TODAY:
So after the day we had yesterday, I am pretty sure that the boy will be in compliance for a few days at least. Hopefully I can get out of this house today, because him being grounded was a drag for me. I sat him down several times and had long talks with him about going outside, going in the car, etc. I even threw in some tears for effect. He looked pretty scared, he cried, and apologized, so I think it may have gotten through.

Now now for the latest segment in WHAT THE FUCK... Ok, last week I was getting in the tub, and I asked the husband to light one of my candles for me. When he removed the lid, he kinda looked at it strange and then stuck his finger in it, and there was liquid filled to the brim in the candle. So we figured that during the boys bath, he had unscrewed the lid and filled it with water. I caught a whiff, and I mentioned that the water smelled kinda odd (you know with my amazing pregnancy sense of smell). He of course did not notice. We both kinda wrote it off, I made a mental note to tell the boy not to touch my candles. So last night, after a long day of cleaning, and toy purging, I went to take a nice hot bath. I pulled the lid off that same candle, and low and behold...it is full of liquid again. This time I take a big whiff....Eww..is that.....wait, I dump it into the sink, and why yes, yes it is...its PEE!

I look at the husband, "did you uh...pee.....in my candle"? Of course the answer was, "what are you nuts"? So by process of elimination, the BOY Peed in a candle. WHY?? Why on earth would someone do something so strange. Especially considering that the toilet is 3 feet away. I barely slept last night trying to imagine How, or Why my darling 4 year old son got it in his head to take a wiz in my pomegranate candle.

So first thing this morning when we got up, I asked him...."DUDE, what is that water in my candle" I knew right away, even before he tried to lie to me, by the look on his face that it was him. I threatened him with great bodily harm if he did not tell me the truth...so he admitted it. Of course now I cannot punish him because I told him he would only be in trouble if he lied. Not to mention the fact that I was too dumbfounded to even know what to do about it. I am still trying to figure out WHY he does stuff....I would love to know what is going on in his head when he stops, looks at a candle, and thinks...oooh this looks like a good place to take a leak.

i.just.don't.understand.

*I wonder if there are any other places that he thought looked like a good place to pee??

It burns!!

2008-06-02T09:45:00.005-05:00

Introducing a brand new blog segment....product reviews.

KY Yours+Mine Couples Lubricant:

Let me just start by saying.....WHAT THE FUCK? After seeing several amusing ads for this product, my husband and I thought it would be a great idea to go out and take this stuff for a test drive (if you know what I mean *wink*). So during our normal shopping trip, we took a cruise down the condom/lube aisle at Wal-mart. Turns out that there has been a run on this particular product, and they are out. So we decide that we will stop at CVS, they do not have it either...ok, well there is a Walgreen's...let's check it out....Nope, no lube for you. Wow this stuff must be like cooter crack, everyone is sold out. Later in the afternoon, the husband had to go out to exchange the propane tank, so I told him to try the drug stores, over there and see if they have it. 3 places, all sold out!!! I am really starting to get fired up about this stuff, it must be awesome, if nobody has it right? I mean hey, I saw 3 vaginae on the corner in front of Wal-mart selling themselves for the stuff. I am intrigued. So I look online, and it turns out that Target is the main chain that carries it, so we make yet another trip out, and finally find it. This stuff better be worth the trip to 7 stores, I am expecting multiple orgasms in a bottle!! When we get an idea in our heads that we want to try something, there is no stopping us till we find it.

So we get home, it is nearly 9pm last night after all the running around. We head straight for the bedroom, and strip naked, no foreplay, nothing...the directions say that yous should apply it to each other, who am I to argue with the instructions (although nowhere did it say if it was edible, and I really wanna know if it is...*heh*), so here goes. He says that the men's version is warm, and it feels kinda nice...ok...so my turn....wow that is a little weird. It's cold....really cold....but not completely unpleasant...at first. Well the awesome reaction is supposed to happen when you put the two together right. Well...if the desired reaction is a burning sensation like you have a urinary tract infection, or the feeling of peeing glass, than whoo hoo...it works. We both burst into laughter mid coitus, because I was like "ow it burns" and he said "wow its freezing". We laughed for like 15 minutes, one plus, he said was when I laughed really hard, it caused a spasm that he enjoyed. When we finally stopped laughing, and tried to get back to the task, I realized that the next reaction was that I went totally numb. Well I am not an expert, but I am pretty sure that numb for her, and Popsicle dick for him is kinda counter productive right?

The burning/numbness finally stopped after a warm bubble bath, needless to say we will not be using that product again. I am not really sure if they tested this stuff on actual human genitals, but I am guessing that is a big fat "NO".

*I am still curious if this stuff is edible...it does not say either way on the box, or on any of the websites....I mean...shouldn't it be potable??

Anyone want a partially used, questionably edible, set of Ky yours+mine lube tubes??? I wonder if I can return them to Target? That should be an interesting conversation.

Dog and 4 year old male child for sale.

2008-05-29T18:23:00.002-05:00

My son, "The Boy" has always been a very brilliant child. He learns very quickly, and he picks up so much outside information about everything. A 3 foot tall sponge if you will. While mommy has a bit of a swearing problem...mainly that I swear alot, and kids tend to sneak up behind me and listen to all the bad words....and then repeat them in public. I really do try to be careful, but I often fail miserably.

My good friend is always giving me a hard time about the swearing (although I have been hearing some expletives from that hooker alot lately too) when the kids are around. I actually have been trying to use more ridiculous words, as opposed to cuss words lately. But listen I truly believe that the words only have the power that we give them....alot of people are not in agreement.

Anyway, last week, on our way to pick up her and her kids, my lovely 4 year old son walks in to their house, walks right up to the 5 year old boy child, and exclaims: "Man, its fucken hot outside". Just like it was a normal part of everyday conversation. Talking about the weather, you know...no big deal.

Fuuuuuuck. She was not amused. I laughed my ass off later.

My dog, ate my favorite pair of shoes today.....My only expensive pair, that I own. These shoes just happened to be lying on the floor near the front door, next to 4 other pairs of shoes, that of course were like cheap flip flops, and the husbands shoes. Stupid fucken dog. I swear she is plotting against me.

My formative years.

2008-05-22T15:55:00.001-05:00

When I was 11 years old, my parents decided to end their 14 year marriage, in the process, trapping in the middle of it all, me and my two younger brothers. I so remember the fighting, I mean fist fighting, the name calling, being pulled in different directions by two raging lunatics bent on destroying the other. They had no qualms about using their children as weapons in their war against the other. It was the most difficult time in my life, and I will never forget it as long as I live.

When the dust settled, dad moved out, and we stayed with mom for a while. Every other weekend we would go visit dad in his depressing, little, sparsely furnished apartment. The TV was small, and had rabbit ears attached, there was no couch, so we slept on the floor. Dad could not cook, so we ate fast food all weekend long. We actually looked forward to going home, and back to school by the end of the weekend...to say it was depressing, is an understatement.

Home was not the amusement park either, but it was familiar, and that was the last straw of our existence, we desperately clung to it. My mom worked alot, so we had a different nanny every few weeks, I was the babysitter killer, not many people would watch us twice. One particular nanny was a 65 year old, homeless lady that my mom found living in the mall with everything she owned packed into suitcases, and trash bags....she was completely insane, (as you can imagine for someone that lived in the mall) Norma Jean (real name) believed that everyone on television was possessed by the devil, and the color of clothing that they wore symbolized the type of deviant that they were. She was all kinds of crazy. Once a week she would take the day off, likely to go hang out at the mall, and she would pack up every single item of her belongings, and take it with her. She spanked my 3 year old brother on a pretty regular basis, with vigor of someone half her age. I seriously entertained thoughts of killing her. But I think she knew. I wore alot of pink. One day she just never came back from one of her trips to the mall....I hope she got hit by a bus.

The next year we moved again, and mom met Douchebag Dave. Douchebag Dave, was the epitome of sleazy 70's porn actor. Snagletooth, shirt unbuttoned, greasy curly chest hair (horf), tight jeans, cowboy boots, pothead, had that pedophile glimmer in his eye, and he was a long haul truckdriver. He insisted that we call him BIG Dave, because my little brothers name is David. Makes my stomach churn just thinking about it. Nobody ever said mom had good taste in men....well....or nannies.

DD eventually moved in with us, and they got married, while at the same time, dad had also met an equally as awesome woman to rebound marry. This was very much a surprise to us, because we had yet to even meet this mystery woman. Wish we could have kept it that way. So in a matter of a few months I had a new step-mom, and a new step-dad. I hated both of them with all the fury of my 12 year old being. Still living with mom and DD, we moved again, changed schools, and made all new friends. Older girls, they taught me how to smoke, and swear, and I loved them. But school was the worst, our new home was in a culturally disadvantaged area, and I was now, as a white girl, in the minority at my new school. I was not well liked, and I dreaded walking thru the doors every single day.

After about 6 months, mom decided that she wanted some time alone with DD, and we got shipped off to live with dad and the new wife. Her name was Sondra, she was Greek, and evil. She had two kids that were close in age to the older of my two brothers and I. She had a house in a not so nice area of Detroit, it was a scary place to live. Our house was broken into several times, the alarm would go off at night on a pretty regular basis. I hated it there. Sondra had yet to show her true colors, and we were all still pretty in the dark to the depth of her psychosis.

We lived there for the summer, and then we moved to an apartment in a nice area, with good schools. I finally started to make friends again, and things were relatively normal for a while. We went to visit mom on every other weekend, if I was not busy with my friends. I immersed myself in the relationships with my girlfriends so much to escape the reality of my home life.

Eventually my brother Eric went to live with mom again, and Sondra's son lived with his father, so it was her daughter, myself, and my 4 year old brother David. On the weekends the other two boys would come to visit, and we had 7 people jammed into a 3 bedroom apartment. Sondra worked nights, and dad worked days, so she got home late at night, and dad was long asleep. She was a tyrant when dad was not around, she screamed and swore at us all the time. Forced us to scrub, and clean the house, and if it did not get done, look out.

One particular weekend we were all there, and we all went to bed without doing the dishes in the sink. She came home around midnight, totally freaked out, and dragged every one of us out of our beds, screaming and cussing in Greek. My brother Eric has Cerebral Palsy, and has trouble with his legs. Mainly he just walks with a limp, but at night his legs would get very stiff, and he had a hard time moving around too fast. Eric happened to be sleeping on the top bunk, in the boys room. From the kitchen, where I stood, half asleep, scrubbing a dish, I could hear her screaming to wake the boys up...When Eric did not jump at her command, she started cursing at him, and calling him a fucken cripple. I lost it. I started screaming back at her, and swearing, defending my brother. At 12 years old, I actually stood about 3-4 inches taller than this woman, she charged her fat little ass into the kitchen and slapped me with all her force and fury, directly across my face. All the while, screaming, and continuing her tirade. My father never woke up. I wanted to kill her. I fantasized for weeks about grabbing a knife and stabbing her. Someone eventually did kill her...it wasn't me, I wished it was.

This went on for about a year, she eventually turned her rage on my father one night. He did something she did not like, (I dunno what) and she came home in a rage, and attacked him while he was asleep. And by attacked I mean started punching him in the nuts. I am surprised that HE did not kill her. But that was the last time I ever saw her. She moved out, they got a divorce, and we all moved on.

It was finally just my father, myself, and my 5 year old devil brother. My dad worked, so I was required to be home every single day right after school, to babysit until my dad got home at midnight. Every single day for 2 years. I could not go out, I could not have friends over, and if I did, dad paid devil boy to rat me out. But it was still better than living with the psycho.

Dad eventually met a nice normal lady, I loved Gail from the first time I met her, she was nice, and sweet, and she actually seemed to care about us. I was thrilled when they decided to get married within the year, and we moved into her house. I did not even have to change schools because she lived near us. She had a daughter that was a year younger than me, which I thought would be the greatest thing ever....another bad judgement, and story for another day.

One day I came home from school, and dad was waiting for me at the kitchen table, I figured I was busted for something or another (skipping school, smoking, drinking, etc). Dad told me to have a seat and pulled out a newspaper, as I started to read, I was more than a bit perplexed, it was a story about some crazy guy that was on parole. Half way into the story, it began a tale of a murder that took place the night before, the man chased his girlfriend (and there it was, her name, she was still using my dad's last name, my last name) out of the house, naked, with a shotgun, and killed her on the neighbors front lawn, and hen killed himself. I was stunned, this woman that I had contemplated her demise a thousand different ways, was dead. She was psychotic, but clearly she met someone that was even more nuts than she. He must not have been so forgiving when she whacked him in the junk while sleeping??

I still have the newspaper clipping, and pictures of her two kids and I. Sometimes I feel guilty about wishing so hard for her to die, but only because she had two kids...and they did not deserve that. I often wonder what happened to them, and where they are now.

Good Day

2008-05-19T17:50:00.005-05:00

Wow, what a great day, I went out swimming all day for the first time this summer! I am all tan, and sleepy, my butt is still kinda cold from where my suit used to be. I am totally starving....getting ready to eat some pizza, and just kick back on this couch for the rest of the evening.

I finally had to end my boycott of the air conditioning...when we come home and it is actually 96 degrees inside the house...I guess
it might be time to break down. Fucken pisses me off tho. My plan was to just go hang out at the pool all summer, or at other people's houses that have their air on. It looked good on paper.

My new friend's son, is the boy's mini me. It is eerie how much they look alike...same goofy unruly hair, and green eyes. I really dunno how that happened because his mama, is a tiny little pretty blonde, with Blue eyes....like the anti-me.

I got to sleep in this morning because the boy stayed the night at his Gramdma's house. It was nice and relaxing, I laid in bed and I got to feel the baby move around like little butterflies fluttering. Sometimes it almost makes up for having to pass on the margaritas at the pool.

I said almost.

Long ass post.....long ass week.

2008-05-15T08:37:00.004-05:00

It has certainly been an eventful week/weekend. Our camping trip was a success, we had lots of fun, well as much fun as you can have with 3 hormonal pregnant women.

The kids had a great time, they made smores, went out on the boat, to the beach, played with water balloons...just a regular carnival.

On the very first evening, right after making hot dogs on a scorching hot bbq grill, the boy walked past and planted his hand directly on the molten hot metal lid...the screaming stopped about 3 hours later....I think the neighbors thought we were torturing small children, and farm animals (that was reserved for Saturday night). He ended up with blisters across 3 of his fingers on his left hand. The worst part was that it happened right when we started making smores and I did not get one....its ok, I ate 4 the next night to make up for it.

Saturday night was warm and humid when we went to our tent with all the windows open, only to wake up covered in frost during the night...in the picture we are all bundled up in sweats and huddled in front of the fire trying to get breakfast ready. It was about 56 degrees.....gotta love camping in Texas. We did have a pretty cool view of the lake from our site, and a beautiful 7 foot drop straight down to the muddy beach.
Here are a few of us girls first thing Sunday morning, freezing our asses off at our Mother's day breakfast....that we cooked.

*hint, I am in both pictures.

My Mother's day was spent in bed most of the day, turns out that it is not that easy to get a good nights rest while sleeping next to a squirmy, burnt, 4 year old, on an air mattress, in the woods. I did get a lovely gift cert to get a pedi, which I desperately need. All in all it was a nice relaxing day. The boy and I took grandma out for lunch on Monday, since we pretty much slept thru all of Sunday. She only gave me a small guilt trip...it worked out well.

Yesterday was our one year wedding anniversary. My sweet husband wrote me a beautiful letter, declaring his undying love for me again, got me a GC to my Fav restaurant, and my favorite clothing store....and some somewhat bizzare paper roses....yeah I did not get it either. Apparently 1 year is the paper anniversary...who knew? I gave him the only gift he ever wants, and everyone was happy. We went out to an exorbitantly expensive dinner, at a seafood place, that turns out is fully booked on even a Wednesday night. We had to sit in the bar...which was alright, a little on the loud side, but we we managed. The 3 headed hostess beast looked at us like we were smokin crack when we dared to walk in without a reservation. The nerve. I lit that bitch on fire before we left. She had it coming.

*for those that have been wondering, my husband and I were married by a pirate, on a pirate ship.....in Vegas of course. We got married on the Pirate ship at Treasure Island last year. Yeah, top that!!

Roughing it.

2008-05-09T07:57:00.002-05:00

Wish me luck...

We are getting ready to head off into the woods for our very first family camping trip. It is going to be really primitive. Our campsite has running water, electricity, and Wi-Fi. I am actually considering bringing my laptop...hey, there could be some kind of emergency where I need to blog, or read post secret. I told my husband we needed to bring it so the kids could watch movies....he bought it! We also have a 12 man tent, an elevated queen size air bed, a fan, a lantern, and electricity in our tent. It is going to be rough I know, but I think I can manage.

I am knee deep in the packing process of just about every household convenience that I could imagine needing. I am an overpacker...by nature. I am always concerned that we are going to get wherever we are going and have a major tragedy, and I realize that I could have prevented it, if I had just packed one more safety pin, one extra pair of underwear, watermelon, etc...I hate being unprepared.

I guess I should get back to the packing, we are leaving in 4 hours, and I am still trying to figure out how we can take the dishwasher with us.

Everyone leave me some comments for me to read ~~while laying in my tent~~ when I get home.

Shrimp COCKtail.

2008-05-07T08:23:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I had my good friend Angie over for lunch, we were serving the kids popcorn shrimp, and french fries. After serving the kids their lunch, Angie and I made our plates. Suddenly she bursts out laughing at the pan of shrimp like a crazy person. "Um...Ang...what is so funny?

"Look at this shrimp"!!

I was gonna put it on ebay but that bitch ate it.

Razor Burn.

2008-05-05T07:49:00.002-05:00

As god is my witness, I will NEVER try to wax myself again! Now if you are familiar with my waxing catastrophe you know that I have already endured much pain in the effort to be smooth and hair free. During my attempt at turning myself into a eunuch, I also decided to make a few swipes at my legs...or well in this case LEG.

I made sure that I waited a good week to let the hair grow nice and long, so that there was plenty for the wax to grab on to. These people are just sick, And I am pretty sure that they discovered waxing was as some sort of medieval torture method. In fact I am pretty sure that is how the U.S. Military found Saddam.

Anyway, I took the big wax roller, and I spread a nice thick layer of this sticky ass shit to my left leg, attached the paper strip, and ready....set....RIP!

When I regained consciousness, I realized that I now had another big strip of paper with half the warm wax, and about 5 hairs off my leg, and a lot of fucking wax still attached to my SKIN! What is the point of this shit, if it just sticks to your skin, and refuses to come off?? I think that the manufacturers of this crap are just sitting back, counting their $20 per moron customer, laughing their hairy asses off. I actually turned the paper over, and re-stuck it to my skin, and ripped again, this time removing about half as much wax again....I had to do this several times to get the majority off.

So I now have no skin left on my left leg, several lumps on my head and a possible concussion from passing out, and one and a half hairy legs. Not to mention the horrific cootchie incident! I am doing GREAT!

So now about a week has gone by, and I decide that the leg is healed enough that I should be able to go ahead and shave again. Well, apparently it is not that easy. It would appear that after waxing your legs, all the hairs decide to grow under the skin from now on. I think that they are afraid. So, regardless of the lengths that I have gone to try and get the hairs uncovered to shave them off, exfoliating, salt scrub, jackhammer...etc. No dice. Now you know what this means, I actually have to sit with a pair of tweezers and pick out each hair one by one.

Now, I dunno if you have ever tried waxing, or tweezing your body hair or not, but this is NOT a pleasant experience....I have been getting my eyebrows waxed since I was old enough to grow a unibrow, no problem, twice a week for @15 years, and that is on my FACE! There is nothing quite like the feeling of plucking hundreds of hairs out of the follicle, one by one with a pair of tweezers. It was hard to see past the blood and tears, but I did manage to get most of them. the best part is now that I have one mostly hairless leg, But I also have red, itchy, razor burn all over that leg...it looks like Brittney Spears crotch....well, minus the herpes, crabs, and warts.

So to recap, at home waxing=bleeding, screaming, unconscious, sticky, painful, irritating, itchy, ingrown, torturous, HELL. So Hey, run on down to the local Wal-mart and get yours now, they are going fast. I assure you that it will be a memorable experience.

Oh FYI, in case they are out, I have a slightly used, slightly bloody, wax machine for sale...cheap. I will be going back to my faithful mach 3 turbo.

Underwear

2008-05-02T11:46:00.004-05:00

I am still trying to perfect my layout...bear with me. I like this new one..not too sure about the pink tho.

I am still lying in bed at night with millions of thoughts running through my head. I constantly think of clever, life changing things to say on my blog, only to forget the next day while I am sitting here watching the cursor blink, mockingly (it's threatening me).

I have a giant pile of clean laundry heaped on my bed, waiting for me to stop procrastinating and head in there to fold/hang/hide under the bed...etc. I actually do not mind doing the laundry, putting it in the washer, then dryer piece of cake. It is the act of moving the clothes from the dryer, to the bedroom/folding/putting away, where the problems unfold (pun intended). I HATE folding clothes, my typical way of dealing with this issue is to pour myself a LARGE glass of bourbon & Diet Coke, turn on whatever shows I have waiting for me in the DVR, and plow through the weeks clean laundry (that now looks like the Mt. Everest of underwear and towels) piled so high on my bed I can barely see past it.

As I slowly progress through underwear everest, my folding skills typically begin to decline around the 3rd or 4th refill of my drink (which my husband so happily brings me...he likes clean, folded underwear...who knew). By the time I am finished I have usually decided that crumpling t-shirts and shoving them in husbands underwear drawer, does actually make sense...hey it is put away right? I firmly believe that if I cannot see it, its clean. This actually beats living out of the hamper all week right?? Yeah, I dunno either.

But, as I have said many times in the last several weeks, no bourbon. So, I am finding myself in a serious dilema....how am I to get all these clothes folded...Am I actually expected to sit and FOLD all of them?

Fuck that!

I think that we should become a naked society again...folding laundry is for suckers!

Who is with me?

**holy shit, did I just write an entire post about folding laundry? What. The. Fuck.

Sex on the brain.

2008-04-30T09:12:00.002-05:00

I have a new favorite pregnancy symptom, yeah, I know you cannot wait to hear about my never ending stream of pregnancy related maladies (you know you love it). Anyway, I suddenly find myself lying in bed at night attempting sleep, while my mind races at about 1000rpms contemplating any and all subjects from Baby names, to Butt sex. Suddenly it is taking me from my normal 10 minutes to fall asleep, to nearly an hour...this will just not do. It is crazy the things that creep into your mind when let it wander. I did come up with a cool middle name for a girl the other night....Arden...cute huh? Don't ask about the other thing.

When I finally do fall asleep I am plagued with the most bizzare dreams...Last night, I had a sex dream about my husband...what is that about? I am talking down and dirty, freaky, public sex. He would be so thrilled. Good thing I don't plan to tell him. It's cool I have been throwing him some pity sex at least once a month. Usually around the time he starts to beg....I feel bad for him.

Some good news is that the doc measured the baby, and it looks like my due date moved up a little to November 13th, so I am very close to being into my second trimester...and if this one is anything like my first pregnancy, it bow chicka wow wah time!! I am pretty sure that the only reason he agreed to knock me up in the first place was for the freaky 2nd trimester sex. In fact I know that, because he told me.

We are planning a trip into the woods next weekend to go camping with some friends and all our kids...it will be the first time taking the boy camping, we are really excited about it. The husband is super stoked, we are shopping for a new tent, fishing equipment, air mattresses, etc. I am not sure if he is more excited about going to hang out with the boys, or the possibility of outdoor sex? Personally, I dunno what is more fun, shopping for all the cool camping stuff, or actually going camping. I am still trying to convince him to buy me the memory foam top air mattress...hah, now that is how I rough it!

Ok, so I did not intend for this entire blog to be about sex, it just worked out that way....guess it may be closer to bow chicka wow wah time than I thought. He will be so excited!!!

If I tell him.

Hey Dude.

2008-04-25T09:41:00.003-05:00

I dunno about this, pretty sure that is some kind of copy write infringement, and that any second Michael Jackson is going to pop out and sue the ~~pants~~ diaper off that kid...and nobody wants ole Mike anywhere near the undergarments of small children.

It is kinda cute, and I am rather impressed that that kids parents got him to sing like that, and in English no less. He cannot play the guitar worth a shit though...priorities people, seriously!

Ouch

2008-04-23T15:26:00.002-05:00

Ouch.

Why are you naked?

2008-04-18T13:19:00.002-05:00

So I thought I was going to blog today about my recent run in with our gas company, where they turned off our fucking gas because we were 2 weeks late on our payment....turns out I am still too pissed to think it is funny. Keep an eye out, soon I will regale you with the tale of the heartless conglomerate that can send a dude out to lock off the gas so that we have no heat, or hot water, but not knock on the door, and give us a heads up. COCKSUCKERS!!

My 4 year old is sitting on the pot in my bathroom, taking a poop, and singing an unidentifiable song in varying octaves...it's pretty freaking comical. I yelled in "Morg, what are you doin"?
"I'm tryin to take a poop, leave me alone".

Alrighty then.

So obviously he has concluded his business in the potty, he just popped his head out of the bedroom and he is stark naked. Well, he was not naked when he went in there...Soooo I say; "Why are you naked"

"Cause I took my clothes off".
Well that clears it up. He is already like a man. Answer all questions with the simplest and most obvious answer possible.

My husband does the same thing. He leaves work every single day at 2:30, and drives straight home. I call him at 2:45 and ask: "Where are you"?
"On my way home"

Ugh...no shit, ya dipstick...WHERE Geographically are you??? Seriously, I swear to god he said "I don't know". My eye started to twitch, so I hung up.

I think that even though I am pregnant, I still have PMS, although now it is all the time, and at completely random. Last night I wanted to smack the crap out of him for breathing near me....poor guy. He has 30 more LONG weeks ahead of him. Or if you want to look at it a different way, 50 years....Ha...wow that seems like a long time. I need a drink.

We have been discussing baby names for the past week or so...I am pretty sure that we have settled on the name Harrison/Harry for a boy. I love this name, for two reasons, both of which I have neglected to tell my husband, and he has yet to come to the conclusion on his own. First of all, I LOVE the Beatles, (he cannot stand the Beatles...I know what a freak). Secondly, I am completely obsessed with Harry Potter (again, hates HP...Total whack job). The fact that he has not made he connection, makes me worry about him, and makes me happy, for once, that my husband is so unobservant...see it does come in handy sometimes. Who knew?

I am still on the fence with all the girls names, I think I am just having a really hard time wrapping my head around actually having a girl...that I have mental block on names. If you knew me when I was a teenage girl (sorry)you would know...it is a terrifying thought. And then there is the whole penis thing to worry about...boys are easy, you only have to worry about one little prick. If you have a girl, you have to worry about all of them.

Ok, well the boy is trying to convince me that whenever you go poop, or pee that you get ice cream and cookies. I am not sure where he heard that some poop fairy shows up with a double scoop whenever you drop the kids off at the pool, so i gotta go google it and see if he is telling the truth.

Holy Hell Batman

2008-04-14T16:53:00.002-05:00

Last week I was so excited about my new purchase of an at home spa waxing machine dealio so that I could start waxing my own eyebrows, and save myself some cash, as well as bi-weekly trips to the salon, not to mention less time scaring small children with my uni-brow. I could not be more pleased with the performance of the eyebrow sized wax doodad. My eyebrows look great, I am a happy camper. Boom, saved myself $30 a month. Normally I would use that extra cash to buy makers mark, but alas my OB frown on pregnant women drinking bourbon. But that is a story for another day.

Well anyway, my new little wax kit also came with a larger size waxer for legs, pits, cooter....etc. I have spent most of the week avoiding my razor, and psyching myself up for a good old bikini and leg wax. So I got myself all situated in my bathroom with the door locked, (not really a good time to have the 4 year old walk in) and with my heated wax applicator in hand, I figured hell why not go right for the goods, and start with the crotch.... I went ahead and applied a good healthy strip of this molten hot wax onto my "area" ok, that is not so bad, grab this little paper strip, rub it real good in the opposite direction of the hair, and remove with a quick rip. How bad can it be?? Well, let me just start by saying, holy mother fuckity fuck fuck. My right eyeball exploded. I was afraid to look, because I was certain that I would be bleeding, as all my skin remained on the little paper strip. Much to my relief I did not remove all the skin from my cooch, but to my chagrin it only removed about 12 hairs, and half the wax.

Now I have a another dilemma....there is still wax on my skin...and there is not a fucken chance in frozen hell that I am going to go ripping that shit off again....I would have to find alternate methods of wax removal from this point. The box suggested baby oil...guess what, I DO NOT have any baby oil in the house....guess it got used all up in the last group orgy. Again...story for another day.

It fucken took me 2 showers, and 3 different kinds of lotion before I could even put on underwear that did not immediately get stuck to my taint. I walked around for the rest of the day like I had a jelly fish down the front of my pants.

So I highly recommend this product, I think that every woman should try it...really, it was a life changing experience.

Urticarial????

2008-04-08T08:33:00.004-05:00

Pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy (PUPPP).

What the fuck? Yeah my response exactly. I had to look up more than half of those words.

So...... I developed a funky looking angry red, NON-Itchy rash all over my abdomen, arms, chest, back, etc. over the weekend. As the paranoid hypochondriac that I am, I called my OB first thing Monday morning, and he scheduled me to come in so he could take some blood, and have a gander at my new skin fungus. I drive the 30 miles out to the other side of the world, to spend exactly 11 seconds with Dr. Tampax ( no that is not his ACTUAL name, but I assure you it is equally ironic for a gyn). The doc immediately tells me that it is PUPPP. Now being that I had PUPPP with my first pregnancy so bad that I tried to remove my skin with a cheese grater, I was unconvinced. Mainly my skepticism was due to the lack of itching, and the EXTREMELY early onset of this herp. But my doctor assured me that I do in fact have the dreaded skin disorder, and that I should take this oral antihistamine that he is handing me a script for as we speak. With one eyebrow raised, (as if my OB with 3o years of experience actually knows more than me about the subject, phhh) I reluctantly accepted my rx, and diagnosis and proceeded directly for the pharmacy, right after proclaiming that there was "NO WAY I am going to live with this disease for 32 more weeks"!! I shuffled my ever widening booty out the door, with a condescending nod from Dr. Tampax.

Doctors!! They think they are so freaking smart.

Oh, and top of all that, I have a hard lump on the left side of my neck about the size of a pea. Pretty sure that it is a tumor.

Random Shit about me.

2008-04-04T13:59:00.002-05:00

I am in a random shit mood...so here are 10 random things about me.

1. Me and my husband were married on a pirate ship, by a pirate.
2. I can drive with both feet. I have no idea why, or where I learned.
3. I will NEVER eat mayonnaise, or anything with mayo in it, on it, or near it. (yes this includes miracle whip, or any other variance, it is all the same to me). I do not even allow it in my house.
4. I HATE having big boobs. In fact I would do just about anything if I could be an "a" cup.
5. If I do not know you, I DO NOT like your kids....keep them the fuck away from me.
6. When I go to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned, I always ask for the nitrous.
7. I am a hypochondriac, if I hear about a disease, I almost always imagine I have all the symptoms. (anthrax was pretty scary).
8. If I do not know you, you BETTER NOT TOUCH ME...I hate that shit. Also do not stand 4 inches from my face to talk to me....if I can smell your breath, you are too god damn close, back the fuck up!
9. Ghostbusters has always been, and always will be my favorite movie.
10. My favorite day of the year is Halloween.

Nausea, heartburn, upset stomach, indigestion, diphtheria.

2008-04-03T10:17:00.002-05:00

Being pregnant is awesome. Have I mentioned that I really want a drink?? Yeah? ok...good. This is totally bogus, I have already missed St. Patrick's day drunkyness. I am also going to miss, memorial day, 4th of July, my birthday, labor day, and Halloween....all my favorite drunky holidays, not to mention countless weekends! Well I guess I could count them, since I have nothing better to do....no smoking...no drinking...no raw fish...no bungee jumping. What am I supposed to do take up gardening?? Actually my landscaping looks lovely this year....I even planted a little veggie garden. Weird all the extra time on your hands you find when there are no parties to plan, drinking to schedule, smoke breaks, trips to the sushi bar, ritual piercings, hangovers to tend to....etc.

I actually quit smoking about 3 weeks ago now...it was pretty easy, I just decided to stop...same thing I did when I was pregnant with the boy, one day, I just quit. I actually have half a pack of ciggs in the garage from when my parents were here...(there is no quitting when you have a house full of visiting family for 8 days...believe). The urge still hits me once in a while, but its pretty easy to just think of something else, or remind myself of the lung pain, and hacking up chunks of sputum (pretty). I did have a drag off of a friends cig last Friday night, and it kinda gagged me. But I just wanted to see how it would feel. Well then Saturday night while out with the whole gang, I broke down and had a whole one....I coughed all the next day...I have still not decided if it was worth it. But while we are on the subject of low birth weight..(we are)..my son weighed 9lbs at birth, and I smoked till I was 5 months pregnant (mostly because I was 3 months before i found out)...but you push out a 9lb baby and you start thinking of ways to make sure the next one is smaller.

I know I have been complaining alot about the boob pain, but let me just tell you what....when you are an "A" cup, and your boobs hurt, I am sure that you have a little bit of pain. When you are an "F" cup and your boobs hurt, you have two giant 14 lb bowling balls clamped to your chest, and two big fucken dudes with sledgehammers taking turns trying to crack them in half. To top it all off, I am about the clumsiest person you will ever meet, and this morning I somehow managed to swing around and whack my left tit on the door jamb while walking into the bathroom. When I came to, lying on the floor in the fetal position...I decided its time to have these puppies removed...now, this procedure is fairly cost prohibitive, so i decided to go ahead and lop them off myself.

I will let you know how it goes....wish me luck.

April....fool.

2008-04-01T18:54:00.003-05:00

If you ever feel lonely and you want to hear from all your friends, in like a five minute window, I highly recommend posting a blog, suggesting that you might be pregnant with Twins.

I'm jus' sayin.

Only 45%.......Fuck!

2008-03-27T15:23:00.000-05:00

Out of Gas

2008-03-27T11:06:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had the feeling that you had to fart, so you kinda hold your breath to push it out, but it really does not want to come out, and by the time you finally get that little bugger to go, your blue in the face and kinda light headed??

Yeah...me neither.

What the f*ck??

2008-03-24T09:18:00.004-05:00

OMG, the downstairs furnace stopped working this morning, and of course it is about 34 degrees outside...therefore it is about 35 inside the house. I am fucken freezing. I went up into the attic to see if I could see any obvious problem...um, no. I am not a moron by any means, I checked the fuse box, the thermostat, and I physically eyeballed the furnaces, but uh, all I could ascertain was that they were both physically there, and one was making noise, while the other was not. I even thought I would maybe gain more insight into the problem by removing the furnace cover o the offending unit...um, yeah, lots of wires and shit...no idea what any of them do. I guess we can go ahead and move furnace repair into the "No" column of possible vocations.

Now my dad is up there tinkering with it...I am really scared. Wondering if I should take the boy and go hang out in the car for a bit. Ya know, just in case a massive fireball comes shooting out of the attic??

Eh, screw it, I am putting on a parka, and going to eat some cereal. I guess I will take my chances with the raging inferno.... at least I will be warm then right?

This post is lame....sorry...I need booze to kill boring, normal, sensible, braincells, and let the sarcasm and narcissism shine through.

ETA. Just an update, I took everyone to the airport today....woot. My house is so quiet!! (And amazingly not blown up, even though it is about 62 degrees in here. Warranty people said that they will send someone out in the next 24 hours...awesome). The boy even went to grandma's house. I am in my jammies, laying in bed with about 5 blankets and 11 pillows, getting ready to take the longest nap in history....I might just sleep until tomorrow. In fact I might just keep my happy ass in bed for the rest of the week!! Being pregnant rules....well except I feel like I have been beaten repeatedly with bowling balls to the chest, but as long as I get to lay in bed all day, Its a trade off I am content with.

My next dilema, I want cake....but its all the way in the kitchen. Wouldn't it be cool if I could train the dog to get me cake?

hiatus

2008-03-20T09:02:00.008-05:00

Sorry about the long hiatus, but I have family in from out of town right now. Once I get my life, and my house back in order I should be back in action with lots of new material. To keep you entertained here are a few fun pics I have come across in my recent travels...

This first one I ~~stole~~ borrowed from Moog over at Mental Poo.

Oh and here is a lovely picture of me and "Jeb". Don't Hate.

Have a nice week.

*someone come and fucken shoot me.

New Digs.

2008-03-13T09:56:00.002-05:00

I have been playing around with my layout, looking for something fun....this one is ok, for now.

I am fucken bored...I really do not know what to do with my time when there is no smoking, drinking, hangovers, etc. I have managed to fill a good portion of it with eating...of course. But really, I have got to get a life or something, this weird sensation of feeling normal is totally freaking me out. Waking up in the morning, not wondering what happened last night, or who's cat took a shit in my mouth?? Who lives like this?

**********************

My husband is sick again, which is always drama. Men are such giant pussies when they have a little cold....I am so compassionate, last night I told him to "Suck It up" and "Quit-yer Bitchin". Aren't I the best wife in the world? We are quite pathetic together right now, he looked over and said:
"I really wanna have sex with you, but I am broken".
"that is ok, because I am pretty sure if you touch my boob it will fall off".
"Who said I need to touch your boob to have sex with you"?

*Long ass Pause*

"Bitch Please"

"it sounded good"

"No not really, go to sleep stupid".

About 2 minutes later he was snoring. I never met anyone in my life that can fall asleep that fast. Mother fucker can pass out cold in mid sentence...he falls asleep on the couch all the time watching tv. Now mind you, my husband is not old, in fact he just turned 30. It really does not bode well for the future that at 30, he can fall asleep faster and more randomly than a narcoleptic 90 year old. Tell you what, the first time that rat bastard falls asleep during sex it is OVER!

Odd things about me.

2008-03-11T14:42:00.004-05:00

Lately I have been realizing that I am kind of a kook...I have some very strange habits, hobbies, and phobias etc. During a recent conversation with my friend CAT it occurred to me, well when she told me, that I have alot of bizzare idiosyncrasies.

As many already know I am totally wigged out by clowns. Seriously, that shit freaks me out. John Wayne Gacy, that fucker used to dress up like a clown to get young boys back to his sick fuck layer, and do unspeakable things to them. There is just something inherently wrong with a grown man that likes to dress in make up and funky clothes to entertain children.. That takes a really special kind of ~~wacko~~ person...and those muther fuckers freak me out!

Also, apparently I am petrified of all living things that take flight...yes that means... birds, butterflies, bugs, etc. Nothing wigs me out more than having some kind of flying, buzzing, thing around my head... I once went to the butterfly museum in Niagra Falls, long story short, this GIANT black butterfly with eyeballs on its wings, looked like a fucken bat on steroids, flew straight at my head. I ducked and screamed my fool head off, while folding down into the fetal position, much to the hilarity of the several small children in the immediate vicinity. Little fuckers. That was some scary shit. I told them all that the monster in their closet was real, and that their parents were getting a divorce, That shut those little bastards up........ The husband and I recently saw a commercial for a butterfly sanctuary that you actually bring into your house...fuck that....I would go in and be like "where. are. all. the. butterflies"?? Next thing I know the ambulance is there, and I am wearing a funny white coat, and people are whispering about psychotic breaks.

Now, I am certainly not the only person with Phobias of Clowns and flying things, but how bout this...the sound of a chicken clucking....can you beat that one? For some reason the sound of a chicken clucking, or a person mimicking that sound, sends shivers down my spine...I mean worse than the sound of nails on a chalkboard. DO NOT ask me where the fuck that shit comes from, perhaps I was accosted by some small farm birds when I was little and have since blocked it out. But I have to change the channel if it happens on tv, run in fear, or do the hands over ears la la la la la la thing whenever I am confronted with this evil sound. I will let you come to your own conclusions about that nonsense.

The sound of other people chewing their food, makes me want to hit them in the jaw with a 2x4...this is the most disgusting sound on earth. I love the food channel, and whenever any of the chefs goes to take a bite of their culinary creation, I have to mute the TV, or change the channel...seriously. I have broken up with men because the sound of them chewing their food made me want to jump out a window. I once had a friend that was the most disgusting pig I had ever met, chewed her food like a cow chewing cud, (I dunno what cud is, but isn't that how the expression goes) I had fantasies about punching her in the throat every time we dined together. My husband cannot eat near me, we have to eat dinner in front of the TV. I love him, and everything, but I might light him on fire during dinner some night.... Although, through all that, my 3 year old could chomp rocks all day long, and I would not even flinch. Go figure.

To be Continued. If the clowns don't eat me.

Snow In Texas

2008-03-10T09:37:00.004-05:00

People down here in the great state of Texas are pretty freaked out by the appearance of this strange, white, cold, substance drifting out of the sky. Most of the rest of us know it as SNOW...but down here it is "Holy shit what is that devil white frozen shit fallin on my head"? They truly freak out, all the television stations interrupt the scheduled programming to tell you about it...the media gets everyone worked into a frenzy. The grocery stores are packed with people stocking up like it is y2k, and they are going to have to bed down for several months with no food or water. All the schools call the parents and send the kids home, half the businesses in the state close, all government offices shut down and send their employees home. There is no preparation whatsoever for any type of winter weather. I am not sure why though, last year we got snow and ice storms pretty much for 2 solid months. You would think they would be prepared in the event of a couple flurries.

So we got about 8 inches of snow where I live, but we were in the worst part of the storm...the weirdest thing about snow in Texas is that during the snow storm, I could hear thunder....it was totally weirding me out. We did get outside to play in it for a little while, that was nice...Morgan had a good old time, everyone on the street was out making snowmen. We got out and got some good pictures, I saw about 29 cars in ditches, and this one particularly dumb truck driver:

Yeah that is a ditch....seriously dumbass it is a snowstorm, the roads are total ice, why don't you try and do a 110 degree turn, next to a huge ditch, off of a road that has straight away parking for semi trucks?? If you are not sure if you can make it....prolly should not try.

I guess I can be cocky since I grew up in the Detroit area, and have been driving in snow my entire life, but it is not that complicated, slow down....that is pretty much it....I drive an explorer, with roll stability and traction control, and I was doing about 30-35 on the freeway, and morons are passing me like I am parked, in little compact cars and sedans...several I did later see in the ditch. People have no common sense. Hope ya freeze to death ya stupid fucken douche.

On another exciting note, I found out this weekend that I am finally pregnant, which is great. We have been trying for quite a while. Although I am concerned that this may seriously effect my blogging. I am usually a pretty sarcastic person, but the best blogs flow out when I am drunk, hungover, or pms'ing. All of which have obviously been put on hold for a while. Let's just hope that all the pregnancy hormones make me bitchy/homicidal enough to entertain.

I could really use a cigarette and some bourbon....Damn you Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and Low birth weight..why you gotta fuck it up for everyone???

Massacre!

2008-03-05T14:15:00.005-06:00

I told the husband the other day that he better hope nothing happens to me this week....our house is covered in blood...I know....fucken gross right?

(I stole this from photobucket)

Ok, so that might be an exaggeration....Our dog is in heat.
(this one too)

Now clearly I am not the first person to have to deal with this situation, and I surely will not be the last...but DAMN! That is NASTY. Now most of my house is a beige ceramic tile floor, which makes clean up fairly easy. But of course almost every inch of the tile is coved in rugs, and where I do have carpet, the carpet is.... you guessed it, WHITE.

I have considered going out and getting her a doggy diaper...but ugh....I am not sure what is worse, cleaning the floors, or dealing with doggy maxi pads. I wonder if they make doggypons? Eww that is disturbing. I fully intend to get this dog fixed as soon as possible....I am not going thru this again. As if is not bad enough that she sheds her weight in dog hair twice a year...(and by her weight I mean all 95lbs). Here is a picture of her from last summer...
She is about double that size now, but I guess I do not have a recent picture of her...she gets all stupid and hyper whenever I break out the camera. Regardless, the moral of the story is that if anything happened to me he would be under serious suspicion...if the cops came in here with one of those black lights and the luminol....oooh. Of course CSI would eventually come in here and prove it was not my blood, but not before he got himself a new boyfriend named billy bob in jail.

You think I watch too much tv?

Anyway, we had a wild ass weekend...Friday night we had a party here, that went till about 2am...lots of punch, and drunk people a go go. Then Saturday was our friends birthday party, and wow, that was another late ass night. I am too damn old to be partying until 4am...that is just all there is to that. I am still kinda hungover 4 days later.

All drinking and no sleep makes Jam feel homicidal.

I want to blog

2008-03-03T10:54:00.002-06:00

I really wanted to blog today, but I have not prepared any material...and I am feeling rather uninspired. So I just wanted to tell you that I LOVE....get that LOVE Flaming Hot Cheetoes!! Turns out they make them Baked now....This is a mighty awesome turn of events, should have seen me doing the happy dance in the chip aisle the other day!

I could eat a whole bag of those fucken things.

Even tho they make me poo fiery orange, and well Flaming Hot for like 2 days afterward.

Totally worth it!

Need I say more?

2008-03-01T15:26:00.000-06:00

100%ALCOHOLIC

What a Shitty day!

2008-02-29T14:03:00.003-06:00

This is from a couple months ago, I brought it over from my myspace blog. One of my favorites ever!

I am having a Shitty morning...the very first thing when I got up, I
came looking for Morgan cause he was not immediately visible, and that
is just never good. After calling his name he yelled to me from the
guest bathroom where he proclaims "I'm in here poopin". Ok, I try the
door and find it locked...not a good sign. As I unlock the door a
series of cataclysmic events begins, the dog bolts from the room, the
boy jumps, and drops something jingly in the commode.

"What was that"?

"Keys"

"What Keys"?

"My Keys"

"What Keys"?

"Keys to Grandmas"

"Sweet"!

"Mommy you gotta get them"

"Uh uh, you do it"

"No you do it, dats yuckie, theres poop in there"

"I know, but its your poop dude, you get them"

"I'm not putting my hand in there"

"Phhh neither am I"!

Apparently we have hit an impasse.

Now of course he has already completed the deed he was sitting there
to accomplish. Mind you it is like 7:15 in the morning, I am having a
hard time trying to wrap my mind around the debacle. My first instinct
is to go find a pair of rubber gloves. Of course the box was empty. I
am trying really hard not to think about plunging my hand, elbow deep
into doodie water, to fish out a set of useless keys that are to locks
we no longer have. What will happen if I just flush them?? Better not.

So I try the garage, there has to be something in there that I can
fish the foreign toilet object out with right? Hmmm....screw
driver...then I have to wash it...nooo, ok, maybe, OH, I know, I will
get a hanger. So I go remove one of Jeff's shirts from it's metal
hanger in our closet, while having a flashback to Mommy dearest,
thinking that I might have to reenact that scene with Jeff when he
gets home. "No more wire hangers"!

Anyway, I went fishing and viola, came up with a slightly muddy set of
keys...dripping toilet water. Now what? I know, I will throw them in
the trash...hanger and all, no cleaning...sweet! I then open the
garage door to be reminded that today is garbage day and the cans are
at the curb. Lovely, I am wearing a pair of fuzzy slippers, a t-shirt
with no bra, and a pair of ratty old cut off sweatpants. My hair is
sticking up in that, I just stepped out of bed and have yet to walk
past a mirror kind of way. Ok, well I have got to get rid of the poop
keys/fishing pole contraption like now...so here goes.

First of all it is about 20 degrees below zero outside, so it becomes
WAY more apparent that I did not stop to take the time to put on a
bra. And, there are people everywhere, my neighbor is out walking the
dog, kids are at the bus stop, people are leaving for work, and of
course, like a record scratching all activity ceases and everyone
turns to look at what the hell I am doing carrying this mutilated
hanger, dripping with crappy keys and toilet water down to the
trash...I made it back in record time, narrowly avoiding knocking
myself unconscious from trying to run bra-less up the driveway.

I swear to god I walked back in and Morgan goes: "Hey what did you do
with my keys"?

You know it is going to be a good day when your first act after
getting out of bed is to fish something out of the dirty toilet bowl.

No Filter....runs in the family.

2008-02-28T08:04:00.002-06:00

My friend Amy likes to tell me that I have no verbal filter, this is so true, whatever pops into my head is very likely to dribble out of my mouth. Mostly this leads to some hilarious verbal vomit on my part that most of my friends and family think is pretty damn funny. Mind you I said Most. Not everyone gets me....and that is fine, I really get off on making people laugh, and if your not one of those people that think I am funny..it's prolly best we part as friends, so I can talk shit about you behind your back.

Last week I hosted a brunch for the girls in my moms group, where the kids go upstairs and destroy my house, and the adults sit in the kitchen and blab. In the midst of our lovely little coffee break, I overhear part of a conversation that my mother is having with one of the neighbors. (Just so you know, my mom is not a big fan of my "verbal Filter" or lack thereof.) I kinda came into this conversation a few seconds in...and I immediately ascertain that my mom was singing the praises of those flushable wet wipes that are so popular now.... For the love of god I have no idea why.

MOM: "if you got poo on your hand you would not wipe it off with a piece of dry toilet paper right"?

My instant, and extremely LOUD response is:

"Yeah but I don't eat with my asshole".

Everyone cracked up....

Mom....not so much.

Look Ma, No Filter!

Heres' your sign

2008-02-20T13:16:00.003-06:00

The other day I told my neighbor that he should put his kids in Latch-Key after school.

Dead serious he said: "Yeah, I dunno what the laws are about locking them in the house by themselves".

Overheard at a party.

2008-02-18T09:11:00.004-06:00

We had a pretty ok weekend. Friday night went and hung out with my friend Jenn who I have not seen in a while, we got pretty blitzed on crown and diet coke, and surfed the internet, just hung out and caught up...talked about boys etc.

Then Saturday we had a few friends over, that we have not hung out with in a while. Patti and Chris brought pizza, (I gained 5lbs in one weekend) Sean and Danielle came by for like 8 minutes, and Karyn rolled out with a couple of her friends Austin, and Ellen. We had a pretty damn good time, the boys with their Wii and us girls sat around the kitchen table playing various games. At one point during our marathon game of Uno, while having a sober person tell us who's turn it was because of all the reversing, and drawing two and shit. I blurted out "Drunk people cannot REVERSE". Right now it sounds kinda gay, but we all peeled with laughter..but seriously Uno may be a little complicated for a group of drunk people.

It was quite a night, I believe it ended sometime around 4am....Thankfully my sisters came and got Morgan early Sunday morning and he went and spent the day with my mom, cause Jeff and I slept all afternoon. I am just too old to be staying up all night and shit. Laying in bed all day screwed up my back....AGAIN.

So....I am laying on the couch with my broken back...so the 6 cans of paint that I bought on Saturday will sit in the garage for a few more days until I can breathe without wanting to hit myself in the head with a hammer. Thank god for my mom and her endless RX for Vicodin...woot...I just happen to have a couple of those bad boys in the bottom of my purse. It is just starting to kick in now.

My Commandments

2008-02-15T13:37:00.002-06:00

Mental Poo came up with a 10 Commandments Meme and I saw it at Preposterous Ponderings so I snatched it up and made it my own.

My Commandments:

1.Thou shall not leave the toilet lid down so that in the middle of the night I sit down on it and freeze my cooter. The proper position is seat down, lid up...get it right, I have only asked you 5,000 times.

2.Thou shall not whine, I fucken hate it when you whine. Go away.

3.Thou shall not drive at or below the speed limit in the left lane on the highway, this incites my rage..I will ram your car...if your on the phone, I will ram your car, get out and beat you to death with your fucken iphone, and then shove it so far up your ass you taste itunes.

4.Thou shall not write a check at the grocery store while in line in front of me. Get a fucken life you douche, its called a check card...look into it.

5.Thou shall not knock on my door trying to sell me meat out of the back of your truck...that is fucken disgusting, we do not eat trunk meat. Oh, and when we told you we were vegetarians, we lied...but the look on your face was totally worth it.

6.Thou shall not sport a unibrow, it looks gross. We totally make fun of your dumb ass behind your back. Get a pair of tweezers, or haul your unhygienic ass down to the Chinese ladies, they make you look niiiiec.

7.Thou shall not drone on and on about cool cars that you like, cool shit you want to do to them, or any such boring ass topic...I am not listening to you, even though you think I am. I love you, but I am sooo not interested.

8.Thou shall not knock on my door trying to sell me ANYTHING...if I wanted the shit you were selling, I would go out and buy it...and if you are trying to sell me on god, or Jehovah, whatever....you better run, cause I am turning the sprinklers on.

9.Thou shall not leave your dirty socks all balled up when you remove them from your feet and stick them in my laundry...they will come out just exactly the same way...balled up and still dirty. You can bet that I am NOT sticking my hand inside your dirty, smelly, sweaty socks to straighten them out...that is just nasty.

10.Thou shall stop shedding all your funky black fur all over my house. I get scared when a breeze comes through and 4 little black monsters go rolling across my floor, that shit freaks me out.

Happy Vaginal Discharge!!

2008-02-14T08:01:00.004-06:00

Oh, I mean Valentine's Day...ha made you look though.

What other lovely phrases can we come up with using the same letters?

Of course there is the old Standby of Venereal Disease, but lets see how creative you guys are. The raunchier the better.

I am working on a few of my own... They are in progress....I am short a few brain cells this morning. Thanks Angie!!

Viral Diagnosis
Virgin Douchebag

So I got J some pretty cool stuff for VD, Some Dark Chocolate covered raisins...his fav. I got a box of big fat strawberries, and I intend to dip them in Dark Chocolate as well this afternoon. I also picked up a lovely bottle of Raspberry Framboise Lambic, MY fav....seeing that the man gets wicked heartburn from beer, I guess that one is more for me. Oh, and I fully intend to let him have his way with me...which is all he really wants anyway.

Being that we are totally poor, I pretty much threatened him with castration if he spent any significant amount of money on the bogus ass commercial holiday...I got a card from both my boys when I got up...and he usually comes thru with some sort of posies, but that will be about it for me. Don't worry when that tax check finally comes through I will be getting some new diamonds...bet on that.

Anyway, y'all have a great Obligatory Sex day! (wouldn't it be cool if I had come up with a VD Anagram like "Satan Deny Evil")? HA

Leave comments or I will light you on fire!

I steal

2008-02-13T17:36:00.001-06:00

I read this fucking hysterical shit today, and it completely summed up my morning drive, so much more eloquently than I am capable of. So I stole it. From This guy...

Avitable's 10 Rules of Driving:

1. On the interstate, the left lane is called a passing lane. It's not called a driving lane! That means that you use that lane to pass slower vehicles, and if there are faster vehicles behind you, you get over and let them pass you! It's one of the simplest concepts in the world, yet nobody seems to grasp it. And I don't care if you're going 80 so you think you're going fast enough - it's not the fucking driving lane! If I'm going 110 mph, and you're going 80, I should not have to get in the right lane, go around you, and then get back in the passing lane. And yes, I'm going to cut you off when I do it. Because you're a retard.

2. Applying makeup, eating a sandwich, plucking your eyebrows, watching a movie, flipping through your CDs, using your mirror for something other than keeping an eye on the other several-ton death machines around you going at high speeds, putting on or taking off clothes, texting, or even talking on your cellphone while drinking, smoking, eating, or doing anything else - these are NOT activities you should be doing while driving. ESPECIALLY if you're going at a speed that will cause you to suffer from a case of death if you hit someone else because you're not paying proper attention.

3. When you put on your blinker, get over. Don't put your blinker on and casually slide over so that it takes you a full mile to get into the right lane. If you do that, I will share the left lane with you and make you feel like I'm going to push you into your lane. I have no problem with that, and I have no patience with idiots who can't even change lanes properly.

4. If you're going to go slow, great. If you're going to go fast, great. Whatever you're going to do, do it consistently! Staying at 55 mph, and then speeding up to 90 mph for a mile, then slowing down to 60, and so on is not only dangerous because it's unpredictable, but it's just stupid. Maintaining a consistent speed allows other drivers to anticipate your driving, which allows them to react better. Fucking spaz.

5. Don't EVER give me a dirty look because you didn't know enough to get over and I came up too quickly behind you. I was the one maintaining a constant speed in the passing lane, passing the cars as intended. You're the evolutionary throwback who has decided to get comfortable in the passing lane without checking your mirrors.

6. If you're on a motorcycle, stay the fuck off my interstate. No, I don't want to race you, and no, I don't have any problem getting right up on your ass. If you keep zipping around cars to keep up with me without using your turn signals, you're going to end up a very big stain on the pavement. And nobody is going to miss you.

7. If you're driving a big rig, just stay the fuck in the right lane. I don't care if there's a horse and buggy in the right lane going 20 mph, all you're going to do is snarl traffic and fuck everything up.

8. You don't look cool if you're slouched so far down in your car that all I can see is your stupid Cro Mag head. That means you can't see your mirrors, which means we're risking our lives with a moron who has his pants pulled halfway down wearing a wifebeater who thinks he's hot shit. And if you've tricked out your car so that it's so low to the ground that every bump causes sparks, stick to side roads where you can slow down drastically without fucking the rest of us up.

9. If you have a nice car that is meant to be driven quickly and driven well, and you're driving it like it's a Yugo, I hate you.

10. Just stay home. It will make my life easier.

Blog Slackers!

2008-02-12T12:03:00.001-06:00

alright, everyone on my blogroll is blog slacking. Well most of you anyway...I go to read all your blogs and blah, nothing. Go blog freaks.

Here is a topic....

products we cannot live without.

Cholula, Hot Sauce

I personally cannot live without this stuff. I eat it on everything, eggs, pizza, tacos, tortillas, cereal...ok so not cereal but, I really think this is the best tasting hot sauce ever. Wow I kinda sound like a commercial. Well fuck....good, cleared that up, can't say fuck in a commercial right?

If your reading this, consider yourself tagged.

Mmmmmm....Fishsticks...

2008-01-25T16:29:00.000-06:00

I love fishsticks!

I dunno, I just wanted to tell y'all that.

Edting Myself

2008-01-07T18:40:00.000-06:00

So I am really working on the not swearing in front of the midgets since I vowed to give it up for lent, or fuck fuck resolutions, some shit like that. Well, I will tell you what, this fucken blows...

Turns out I have alot of pent up aggression...who knew...and as a release of that aggression, I swear. Shocked?? I know you are...I seem so sweet and mellow usually right?

Anyway, if you see me walking alone with my hair on fire, saying things that would make Richard Pryor blush, it would be in your best interest to back away slowly, and seek shelter.

OMFG

2007-12-18T22:14:00.000-06:00

This family should be forcefully sterilized! THIS is bullshit!

Can someone please tell me why these fucken useless bitches, that are horrible, white trash, chain smoking, crotch showing, baby dropping, ho bag mothers can accidentally fall on a cock and get knocked up? But I can not seem to get pregnant after trying for almost a year???

Hmmmmm......is that a.....???

2007-12-15T10:46:00.000-06:00

Ok, so um, I saw this and hmmm well, I do not know what the designer of this "thing" was thinking. I mean what kind of being has lips that face in that direction?? Well the lips on their face anyway. So the more I look at it, the creepier it starts to look, I am wondering to myself, what is the exact purpose of that protrusion out the front of this thing? Low and behold, it is the entrance to the tunnel, so whenever one of the kids goes in or out it looks like this thing is giving birth to them, its pretty abnormal. Now, what I want to know is why is this perversely shaped sex organ tunnel just hanging out in a play area for kids? Someone has a fucken sick mind putting a giant pussy on the face of a kids toy...phhh.

Maybe it is just me...

But I really do not think so. I know I am not the only one who thinks that looks like a giant twat right?

*****

2007-12-14T09:42:00.000-06:00

This is how I feel today....

Starting Young.

2007-12-13T09:10:00.000-06:00

The other day while in the car with my friend Angie, with both of our sons in the backseat. We were discussing our children's tenancies for repeating everything that they hear. I decided to relay a story about myself when I was a small child and my ability to mortify any adult within earshot. The conversation went something like this:

*From the backseat*

"you a dic"

"no your a dic"

Me: "what did they just say"?

Angie: "did they say what I think they said"?

Me: "Hey what did you guys just say"?

From the backseat, in unison: "Dick"

Angie: .....

Me: ....

*she gives me the evil eye*

Me: "dude I did not teach them that"

Angie:....more evil eye

Backseat: ......"dick"

ugh.

Me: "when I was a kid it used to drive my family crazy, I called frogs "fucks". I also always told my mom that I wanted to go get some "fuckyfried Chicken".

Angie: "hmmmm, so your love affair with cursing started early huh"

Me: "fuck you bitch"

Backseat: "dick"

What the fuck is a bandwagon? Why are we so desperate to "jump on"?

2007-12-11T09:44:00.001-06:00

It has come to my attention recently that many of my friends have started blogging over here...I suppose that means it is time for me to jump on to the proverbial bandwagon and get my ass blogging again....or back on since I just seem to have fallen off this "wagon" to begin with.

Not that I have abandoned blogging altogether, I have just in recent times defected to the well known "place for friends" I don't want to drop names but it rhymes with "fly lace". I suppose I can blog in both places....I do like the privacy of "fly lace" since it is unreadable by anyone but my friends...but anonymity can be overrated.

I swear I must be the most accident prone person on earth...last night while being the domestic goddess that I am, Chopping parsley, making dinner for my lovely family...chopped off the tip of my damn finger. Yes, fingernail and all, sliced clean off, blood squirting all over the damn place...fun stuff. Alright so maybe it is not quite that dramatic, while I did slice off a small sliver of the top of my finger, it was not the bloodbath I let you imagine. It hurt like a motherfucker though alright....so eat a penis. Never did find the missing appendage, But that was some pretty damn good garlic bread, or so I hear. *insert wicked laughter here*

Anyway, I suppose as penance for my evil ways, not an hour later after getting all bandaged up, vicodin and wine working its magic, I decide that I will throw a couple logs on the fire and bare hand grab a hold of the screen to open it...phhh who knew that metal thing right in front of the raging fire got that hot. So after screaming every known obscenity that I have in my verbal repertoire I look down to see that I have the word Heatilator tattooed across 3 fingers on my right hand...awesome. Now that both hands are completely crippled....and I have lots more wine and vicodin on board, perhaps it is time to call it a night before I manage to actually dismember myself.

Sometimes I worry about me.

Clean House Baby!

2007-01-13T16:24:00.000-06:00

OMG, I took Morgan to a birthday party, and Jeff stayed home sick, when I got back he had cleaned the whole house, moped the floors, scrubbed the bathrooms everything! Heck no I am not trading him in, shit I hope that he does not trade me in for a thinner, younger, newer, less bitchy model.

You want to know what annoys the shit out of me? Of course you do, now sit down and shut the fuck up. Anyway, oh yeah, what the fuck is up with people that walk around with those wireless cell phone things attached to their ears all the time, um, if your on the phone, in your car, and on one, then I guess they are ok. But seriously what kind of lame fuck are you walking around a kids birthday party, talking to people with that thing clipped on your ear? Are you talking to me? Are you on the phone? That is just fucken stupid, take that damn thing off your ear before I snatch it off and shove it down your throat you freak! Do you think that you look cool?? Who do you talk to that you need to have that thing on your ear all the time, on a Saturday afternoon? Asshat!

Why?

2007-01-12T09:52:00.000-06:00

WOW that picture is HOT!

So I have been getting some flack for my total suckass blog so I decided it was about time to get back into the swing.

Let's see, Morgan is getting into everything as usual, as I type he is standing on his overturned wagon trying to climb onto the kitchen counter. I tell him to get down, he says "why"?
I say "because I do not want you up there".
"Why"?
"because there is stuff up there that will hurt you, or that you will break".
"Why"?
"there just is"
"Why"?
"hunnie because that is where the knives are, and where we keep glass stuff that we do not want you to touch".
"Why"?
*sigh* "because you are a the devil and you get into everything"!
(guess what he said next) "Why"?
"Morgan just get down and stay away from there"
"Why"?
(my eye starts twitching as I channel my mother) "Because I said so"!

"Why"?

I dunno what happened next because the top of my head blew off.

We have that exact same conversation about 30 times a day.

Ok, what else, let me see, Oh My dad bought me a handgun for Christmas.....I now own a firearm... well I am just going to let you chew on that one for a little while.

I am having a birthday party for Jeff next weekend for his 29th, gosh he is getting old huh? I am going to have to go ahead and trade him in for a younger model when he hits 30! Nah, I just got him all trained like I like, so I guess I will keep him around for a little while longer, he is really good at "fetch".

What do you do?

2006-10-17T00:28:00.000-05:00

People SUCK!

Sometimes, you just cannot get far enough away.

Nothing sucks worse than when someone close to you does something unforgiveable, and you cannot tell anyone! Shame on you, I am going to rat you out, just need to find my balls.

like I don't have enough going on....

FUCKER!@

Prozac Take me away!

2006-08-24T08:29:00.000-05:00

What is it about living with a toddler that makes everything in your life seem like an emotional Hurricane? Could it be the everchanging lightening fast mood swings from elation, to Pride, to rage in a matter of about 4.2 seconds? The Amazement and wonder of watching your child learn, the enlightenment in their eyes...learning daily new expressions that I am astounded that he came up with all on his own...or well overheard mommy saying in traffic?? The counting, and ABC's, the ever growing vocabulary, he seems so brilliant, yet at the same time....annoying, indignant, obnoxious, rude and just plain mean. Now don't get me wrong, those words may seem harsh, and I do believe that my beautiful son is a Genius, and I worship the ground that he walks on, But let me pose another question....Just how many times do you have to tell a child not to stand on the dining room table, play with the blinds, try to go outside by himself whenever I take my eyes off of him for one second, remove the child proof covers from the electrical outlets, throw things at the television, climb over the gates, eat any foreign substance he finds lying around....Ok well you get the drift. Not only does he do all these things ad nauseaum over and over again until I am ready for a straight jacket, do they make those in toddler size 2t? But, the perpetual energy of this child pales in comparison to his nasty temper, and annoying screeching when he does not get what he wants, you know the whole nine yards limp body, flailing appendages, ear shattering howling, hurtling random items in the general direction of my head (not sure if his aim is really that good, or if the major leagues are going to be calling soon). We go thru 5-6 of these episodes a day, Jeff wonders why I am so tired when he gets home and the house looks like I sat and ate bon bons, watching General Hospital all day long (my ass looks like it too). The best part, and I am not really sure why, is after the demon rears its ugly head, and threats, ignoring, time out, have all failed...The demon saunters up to me ten seconds later all calm and sweet with: "I sorry Mommy" At which time I get a really sweet hug and a kiss, directly followed by this question: "Mommy can I have a cookie?? PLEASE!! And the Cycle of destruction begins again....Calgon...well you know the rest.

I'm Fat...and I don't care...well ok I do.

2006-08-03T22:04:00.000-05:00

Ugh, I think I have gained 15lbs since moving to Texas, there are so many awesome restaurants here, and it is hotter than the fucken sun, so I eat all this great food, and then I just want to lay around in the air conditioning becuase I found what people mean by "down there" when they refer to hell.

Allright, now don't all you Texans go getting all Texas on me...I do not mean to infer that Texas is hell.

I saw a sign in the dentists office that said, " I wasnt born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could". I have simply deduced that there is something in the water that forces everyone that lives here to fiercely LOVE and DEFEND everything Texas!

They say everything is bigger in Texas, well that is why I moved here, I just wanted to find a place where I fit in!!

I love the southern women though, I heard something that made me laugh, I think it was Kathleen Madigan that said " If the devil were a southern woman, she would say (in her best southern belle accent): "come on in, im gonna lite you on fire in a minute, but first sit down and have some Pie".

*I am not drinking the water though.....well maybe a little.

I wish I had my camera

2006-07-24T13:31:00.000-05:00

A few days ago Jeff and I went out to Pappadeaux for dinner, for those of you who do not know it is kind of an upscale Creole seafood restaurant that has awesome food. The table next to us sat a couple that appeared to be a middle aged woman and her maybe 18 year old son. I am still shocked by this story, the mother pays the bill in cash and puts it in the little black bill holder doodad that they give yah in most restaurants, and stands up to leave, she is between the son and the door of the restaurant, when she turns to walk out, he real sneaky like whips open the cash holder, takes the cash out of it, shoves it in his pocket with lightening agility, and continues behind her to leave.... clearly he is experienced in this type of larceny.

I was stunned!!

I could not believe what I had just witnessed, Jeff had his back to the whole thing but I saw it, I started to stand up and follow the people out to the parking lot to tell the woman what had just transpired, but by the time my brain processed what I had just seen, they were already out the door....I wanted to be a good Samaritan but I did not want to run out into the parking lot like a crazy woman screaming to this lady that her scumbag kid just stole the waitresses tip...Which was a $20 bill by the way!! Although that probably would have made for a much better story..

Of course the bleeding heart that I am, I called their waitress over as soon as I saw her and told her what I saw...I was concerned that he had taken the cash to pay the bill, and she was going to get shafted with it, and if that was the case I would be happy to tell her manager what I saw...She was really sweet too. She did come back to tell me that the bill was paid and that he just stole her tip! I felt so bad for her that I slipped her a $5 when we left.

After the whole ordeal was over, I turned to my infant son, and warned him that if he ever pulled any shit like that, I would have to hurt him, He said "ok mommy"...

That poor woman is nice enough to take her son out to an expensive dinner and the fuckwad, lowlife, crackhead, kid steals from her in such a public way, she prolly has no idea and thinks he is just a perfect little model citizen! I would give my eye teeth to be able to turn back time and catch her and tell her before she got out of there!

Birthday Blues

2006-07-07T09:51:00.000-05:00

Alright, well regardless of all the pleading and digging my heels in, it has happened, my 30Th birthday has arrived...Fuck

We went home for a visit to Michigan, it was fun...fucken plane ride home was a nightmare..details to follow later. But I got to see my friends and family, we got super drunk and had a riot.

Little Turd Bucket!

2006-06-23T12:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was trying to change Morgan's diaper, I grabbed hold of his pants to pull them off he yelled at me "Let go a my pants"!

I laughed so hard...he is so funny, I got his little pants off, and he looks me in the eye and says "let go a me mommy"!

He was eating a hot dog for lunch, and squeezing it in his little hand, I said "what are you doing" he looks at me and says "I squish". I love the talking, he is just the funniest little guy, I love him so much. When I went to clean him up after lunch, I said " wow you ate all that hot dog"? He looks me right in they eye and says "I ade it awl" he has his hand on the upside down bowl on his high chair tray, covering the squished up hot dogs.

Little booger lied to me...

My Baby Is soo cute!

2006-06-20T17:06:00.000-05:00

Could he be any cuter?? The other day we went to the pool, when we came home we stripped him out of his bathing suit and swim diaper and he ran naked into the living room laughing while I was chasing him with a diaper....well I got to him and he was standing in the corner peeing on the carpet next to the couch!

Nice huh? He thought it was hysterical!

Fucky Fuckerson Skinhead & The Loud ass Ghetto Hooptie!!

2006-06-19T16:39:00.000-05:00

All right! I finally got a good look at the fucker that drives this piece of shit car with no muffler, catalytic converter, or exhaust system... whatever, ghetto hood rat, muther fucker, that drives up and down our street at all hours of the day and night trying to wake the fucking dead!! (I was inspired by Laurie over at Beauty and the Beer, with her super sneaky camera phone pics). And lookie Lookie, I got a secret squirrel picture of this fucktard!

I HATE this fucker, I have only caught a slight glimpse of his piece of shit car when I run to the door to see if a 747 was taking off on the street outside Until Now. Well here it is...it should be illegal for fuckers to have cars that are this loud, broken windshield, and black as black tinted windows... skinhead sonofabitch! I cannot even tell what kind of a car it is, because he removed the manufacturer decals. There is no way that this guy is not a felon!

I am so sneaky, I was sitting outside smoking, when Mr. 2 loud 2 fugly pulled up and stopped in the middle of the street, I have no idea what the fuck he is doing there, but he stayed there for like 10 minutes, I tried taking the pic with my camera phone which I just happened to be holding my hand...could not see him. So I ran inside grabbed the camera, got back out there, zoomed that fucker in, and sat down in the chair with the camera over my head trying to take a steady shot so he did not see me...well it only took 4 shots before I got this beauty...look you can read his license plate number. Any cops out there wanna run this plate?? I would bet my virginity (lol yeah right!! Its all I can afford right now) that this bastard has a rap sheet longer than my arm!

He lives in the apartments across from me, so if he is wanted, I would be more than happy to point it out to any cops in the blog world, I just want this asshat to stop driving that loud ass, poor excuse for an automobile, and reving his rice burning engine at 11pm when the baby is sleeping!!! Jeff thinks I am going to get in trouble for posting his plate number...fuck, whatever, wadda ya gonna do? Besides not enough people read this that would care anyway!!

Eat Shit Puss Bucket!!

2006-06-19T09:04:00.000-05:00

A whole fucken week and we have not heard back from these fuckers about our house!! How Ghetto hood rat is that Shit? Fucken low life scumbags, who just runs around all willy nilly and makes verbal offers on houses and then disappears? It is one thing if they changed their minds, but it is total bullshit not to have the decency to call us and tell us about it....I am going to find out this realtor's name and phone number and blog it, then start a campaign to get every other blogger I know to post this unethical bastards name on their sites too...Just maybe it will stop some unsuspecting seller from getting screwed over too! If not at least we fill up his voice mail box, right?

Nonsense!!

2006-06-13T23:06:00.000-05:00

WOW, what a week...and I cannot believe that it is only tuesday.

I would like to find a perfect beautiful way to pay tribute to Ginger the wonder dog...but I really do not know how. All I know is that she left us for a more heavenly place and I find solice in the fact that I believe that she will be there to sniff my crotch when I make my way there.

We finally got an offer on our house!! Woo hoo, right....fuck..no

Monday the realtor called and told me we had a verbal offer, the buyers realtor was rushing us and saying that they needed to close in two weeks, made us jump thru all these hoops, so we accepted it....(details not necessary). So today all day we waited for the other realtor to fax over the written offer for our house, as it was we were already taking an ass raping...but we are desperate, and when your desperate you take in in the ass if that is all that is offered right?

So no call, no nothing, Our realtor has left 5 messages for this fucker today, and nothing...what was it a gag...like SIKE, just kidding yall, I know you have been waiting 6 months to sell you house!! But, hey we thought it would be really funny to make a joke, that MAYBE we would buy your house!!! MUUUUUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I am soooo not amused!

Update: The buyers realtor finally called our realtor back today and told her that the buyer had not come in to sign the purchase agreement yet...apparently she is having some drama at home, but what the hell was preventing this asshole from returning a call yesterday to tell us that, instead of letting us sit here and stress about it all day??? Why does this shit happen to us? Why can't things just go our way for a change...So now I guess we sit and wait for this flaky ass buyer to get her thumb out of her ass and sign the damn purchase agreement.

Mommy Did It!

2006-05-30T12:57:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a dream that I was shopping at a super great sale...how lame has my life become when in my dreams I am that fucken booring?

I have been at a loss for blogging material lately, I am feeling so uncreative..is that a word? My brilliant son is speaking in full sentences, and he is using this new talent to throw me under the bus every chance he gets to his father. The other day he got into trouble for something right before Jeff walked in from work. He sat down on his daddy's lap and said "mommy yelled at me"!

Little Booger, he also proclaims whenever he gets into trouble, "mommy did it". How did I become the scapegoat? I think we really need to get out dog shipped down here from my aunts house in Michigan very soon...otherwise I might have to change my blog title to "mommy did it".

Running away from home!

2006-05-19T13:27:00.000-05:00

I am procrastinating, as usual, I need to go do my pilates, but I am here instead...

Sooo, my son is going to give me a stroke. I was making us a sandwich in the kitchen with my back to the little monster for all of 5 seconds, from behind me I hear "blow id oud" I now have whiplash from the snapping my neck around to catch him standing on a dining room chair, holding a lit candle off the high kitchen counter in his hands tilting it toward him so he can blow it out...for the love of all that is holy that child is going to give me a nervous breakdown!

He looks all sweet and innocent, but don't be fooled, you are looking into the eyes of the devil!

Did Ya Miss me? Why Cats suck...let me tell you!

2006-05-07T14:13:00.000-05:00

Man it seems like forever since I have been on spouting wisdom, or nonsense, whichever you prefer. We are finally settled into our new place, what a nightmare, I swear I can still smell the cat piss in Morgan's room. WTF am I supposed to do about that shit, aside from making the apartments move us into a non cat pee contaminated pad, I don't wanna fucken move again!

A word of caution, if you are moving into an apartment that allows animals, make sure you walk thru your apartment and sniff the carpet before signing anything...some fucken retarded ass pet owners just let their nasty ass cats use the whole damn bedroom as a litter box and don't clean that shit up!! What kind of nasty fucker lives in a house that reeks of cat piss...do you like invite guests into your home? Do they Run out the door shrieking in horror from the noxious funk radiating from your home, and refuse to ever come back? Try calling a carpet cleaning service seriously! Are you a single woman and you cannot figure out why you cannot keep a man? This may be due in part to the fact that your pussy smells like anchovies, and you do not know it because your nasal passages are burnt to a crisp from the stench of your 9 cats you dumb hooka!!

Cats are fucken gross, IMO why would you let an animal piss and shit inside your house...unless they are toilet trained!! I seriously doubt that anyone would date a guy that shit in a box in the corner of their bedrooms?? Or pissed all over the perimeter of the living room to mark his territory! You would not put up with that shit from a human, why on earth would you want an animal in your house that does that??

As you can see from the super cute picture, my boy is beautiful! I took him to sport cuts the other day and got his little mop hair cut, of course he flailed and she buzzed him in the back almost to the scalp so she had to cut it super short to even it out, but he still looks cute...

Wanna know what it is like to have the cutest kid in the world?? Well Let me tell you...it is fucken awesome!! He is so damn funny, he repeats everything I say, we were in the car on the freeway...yeah I know....he was being all quiet looking out the window chillin, I pull up to a light behind another car and all the sudden from the back seat, a little two year old voice says: "GO DUDE"!!

I almost wet myself.

The Saga Continues!

2006-04-26T13:59:00.000-05:00

The cat piss is finally gone, this dude came in with a blacklight today and checked out the whole room, that was a trip. I have had people in and out of the house all morning, I swear every five minutes since 9am someone has knocked on the door.

The Carpet guys came at 9, woke my lazy ass up...I opened the door with a t-shirt and no bra, I am sure I looked super sexy in my Eastern Michigan t-shirt and plaid pj bottoms! But the two gentleman that showed up to replace the carpet were not the most discriminating or hygienic of fellows themselves. No English. But I suppose laying carpet is a good job for illegal aliens that do not speak any english, at least they are not working in "customer service" at walmart!

Anyway, after they replaced the tack strips and cleaned up the floor the cat piss smell was gone, thank god! Although Hector and Pedro left their own lingering funk behind, nothing half a bottle of febreze could not handle. So the baby finally has his own room, WOO HOO, he is in there napping right now! I love it...shit I think he is awake.

BTW, Jeff slipped in Ghetto Target the other day and sprained his ankle pretty bad carrying out our new entertainment system that nobody bothered to offer to help him with, there was a piece of paper on the floor, he slid on it while trying to walk thru the crowd. He finally broke down and went to the doc, they gave him a funky brace, and some crutches. Target Crippled my man, you all can come shop in my new Target store real soon!!

Cat Piss!!

2006-04-24T15:52:00.000-05:00

Yeah Cat Piss, that about sums up my weekend and my moving experience. We just got all moved in to our new apartment over the weekend, and we started moving stuff into the baby's bedroom we noticed this horrible smell. I walked into the closet to put something on the shelf and I nearly puked!

Apparently the people that lived here before us had a fucken unneutered male PANTHER because the smell of the Tomcat spray in this room is horrifying, You could swear you were at the ZOO it was so bad! The carpet was stained all brown and yellow in the closet, and all around the border of the bedroom. For anyone that knows me, I HATE CATS with a passion, I cannot stand the way they smell. So I have had to keep the baby in our bedroom for the last 3 nights. The whole reason that we moved was to get the baby in his own room, but the smell is so bad, it actually made me wheeze, I was NOT going to let my child SLEEP in there. What kind of nasty fucker lets their cat piss all over the floor, and carpet, and does not clean it up? This is not one little puddle, this is Months, if not years of pissage!!

I was able to contact the apartment manager this morning and they have already come out today and removed the old carpet and cleaned the floor underneath, although I can still smell the cat pee...hopefully when the floor dries completely it will go away, then I am going to dump a whole bottle of Febreeze on that fucker!! Hopefully they will get out here today to replace the old carpet, but most likely tomorrow. Oh well!

Oh, half the shit in this place did not work when we moved in, but they are pretty cool about coming to fix it, you would think that they would check this shit out before they let people move in right??

Moving Finally!!

2006-04-19T15:17:00.000-05:00

As you can see Morgan got totally spoiled rotten for Easter, we felt so guilty about him not getting tons of stuff from all the family because we are not home that we spent over $80 on stuff for him...nuts right?

Well we are moving in 2 days, I cannot fucken wait, I can't wait to do a load of laundry in my own place, I can't wait to sleep a whole night with the boy not in our room!! This new apartment is MUCH bigger, so the fact that we have been crammed in this little tiny rathole is going to make the 1100sq feet seem like a palace!! Of course as I type this I am slacking off from packing, I hate packing!! Of course I will leave it all till the last minute and cram everything into boxes willy nilly and shit. It will be about a month before I find anything, then I will find the dish soap in a box with the toilet paper and fun stuff like that, it is almost like Christmas...well not really though.

Alright, I gotta go get back to work, someone come help me please!!